Oh. My. God.
I am amazed that kids ever make it to adulthood. And, to be honest? I'm amazed that parents ever make it through their kids' childhood.
Need an example?
Mmm. Let me elaborate for you a bit.
Quick note: Are you eating right now? Put it down. Step away from the doughnuts, spaghetti, or ham sandwich. You will NOT want to be eating for this one.
So, if I hadn't mentioned it yet, Girl is crawling now. It's actually been wonderful, for several reasons, but that's not why we're here, now is it? Tonight, she was making her way around the family room floor. Boy was watching Shrek 2, and I was watching them both, but also trying to figure out the Cryptoquote in today's paper. It gets to be about bedtime (ah... sweet relief!), and I go to pick up Girl to get her ready. I notice a discolored area at the neckline of her shirt. I thought, "Hm. Well, she probably just spit up a little. It almost looks dirty, though? Well, this carpet isn't the cleanest (considering this is the only room the dogs are allowed in), no big deal..." This is all going through my head as I carry her back to her room. As we are walking into her room, I notice she's doing this funny mouth/expression thing. It's relatively new, but I THINK it means that she might have something in her mouth. So, I put her down on the changing table, pull off her socks, pull of her pants, and then decide to check out what may or may not be in her mouth. So, I pry open her mouth, take a look around, and see something inside her left cheek that she's kinda working around. I finger sweep it out. Look at it. Hmmm. Smell it.
HOLY FUCKING GOD. MY EIGHT MONTH OLD DAUGHTER IS SUCKING ON A POOPBALL LIKE IT'S A PIECE OF FUCKING CANDY!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I am not kidding you, folks. This is my life.
Pardon me for a moment.
**pauses to lean over and violently puke guts out**
I'm back.
I swear. I am so ill. I cannot believe this. She was NOT acting like it was bad, either. What the fuck is wrong with my kids??? Why the poop-eating????? WHY???????? First one, then the other. I have no clue whether Girl's gourmet tidbit was dog poop (that may have traveled in on their feet) or possibly an escapee from Boy's diaper, but either way, I am SO sick. And, obviously, it wasn't in her mouth for only a few seconds either... thus the 'dirty' neckline of her shirt. Which, it turns out, was dirty from POOP COLORED SALIVA!!!!!
**Retching again**
And before you get all "how long has it been since she's vacuumed???" It has only been a few days. I swear.
Like it was candy. POOP. CANDY.
Dear, sweet Jesus. I do not think I am going to survive these kids. I really don't. Ok, my sanity might (MIGHT) make it, but my stomach sure as hell isn't.
Need an example?
Mmm. Let me elaborate for you a bit.
Quick note: Are you eating right now? Put it down. Step away from the doughnuts, spaghetti, or ham sandwich. You will NOT want to be eating for this one.
So, if I hadn't mentioned it yet, Girl is crawling now. It's actually been wonderful, for several reasons, but that's not why we're here, now is it? Tonight, she was making her way around the family room floor. Boy was watching Shrek 2, and I was watching them both, but also trying to figure out the Cryptoquote in today's paper. It gets to be about bedtime (ah... sweet relief!), and I go to pick up Girl to get her ready. I notice a discolored area at the neckline of her shirt. I thought, "Hm. Well, she probably just spit up a little. It almost looks dirty, though? Well, this carpet isn't the cleanest (considering this is the only room the dogs are allowed in), no big deal..." This is all going through my head as I carry her back to her room. As we are walking into her room, I notice she's doing this funny mouth/expression thing. It's relatively new, but I THINK it means that she might have something in her mouth. So, I put her down on the changing table, pull off her socks, pull of her pants, and then decide to check out what may or may not be in her mouth. So, I pry open her mouth, take a look around, and see something inside her left cheek that she's kinda working around. I finger sweep it out. Look at it. Hmmm. Smell it.
HOLY FUCKING GOD. MY EIGHT MONTH OLD DAUGHTER IS SUCKING ON A POOPBALL LIKE IT'S A PIECE OF FUCKING CANDY!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I am not kidding you, folks. This is my life.
Pardon me for a moment.
**pauses to lean over and violently puke guts out**
I'm back.
I swear. I am so ill. I cannot believe this. She was NOT acting like it was bad, either. What the fuck is wrong with my kids??? Why the poop-eating????? WHY???????? First one, then the other. I have no clue whether Girl's gourmet tidbit was dog poop (that may have traveled in on their feet) or possibly an escapee from Boy's diaper, but either way, I am SO sick. And, obviously, it wasn't in her mouth for only a few seconds either... thus the 'dirty' neckline of her shirt. Which, it turns out, was dirty from POOP COLORED SALIVA!!!!!
**Retching again**
And before you get all "how long has it been since she's vacuumed???" It has only been a few days. I swear.
Like it was candy. POOP. CANDY.
Dear, sweet Jesus. I do not think I am going to survive these kids. I really don't. Ok, my sanity might (MIGHT) make it, but my stomach sure as hell isn't.
posted by Nikky at 7:54 PM
9 Comments:
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Nice Blog!!! I thought I'd tell you about a site that will let give you places where
you can make extra cash! I made over $800 last month. Not bad for not doing much. Just put in your
zip code and up will pop up a list of places that are available. I live in a small area and found quite
a few. MAKE MONEY NOW
I was Looking for loan forgiveness. It was interesting to stop here anyway.
i feel your pain. (dry heaving uncontrollably) i've got a 7 yr old and a 4 yr old to contend with, but with THIS post i think you've got everybody beat by a million miles (dry heaving continues...)
LMFAO oh shit that was funny. I am sure you an not alone. I got nothing else but a huge thank you for the laugh. Thank you thank you thank you.
Maybe she will love veggies since the bad taste didn't bother her. My sister's kid ate cigarette butts once if that helps at all.
Did you give her a KISS goodnight? Still, funny...maybe when it's not happening to you...
I cannot even tell you how sorry I am right now.
OMG, it's been WAY too long since I read blogs. Between yours and Audra's, I am DYING. I'm sorry I'm laughing. But, when they're older, you will. Hopefully.
NSU - 4efer, 5210 - rulez
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