A Padded Room With A View

"Cool Hand Nikky"

2006-06-12T21:26:00.000-07:00

"What we have here, is a failure to communicate..."

So it seems, doesn't it? Well, I throw myself upon the mercies of the internet. Prostrate in my apologies for denying you that little sip of Nikky to quench your thirst. That little nibble of the Padded Room to satisfy your hunger.

I request of thee a punishment for my sin of neglect. A punishment so grand that it satisfies even the most hardened among you. I beg of thee to make use of the wet noodle, and give me the lashings I so rightly deserve.

There. Was that dramatic enough for you? Why does it always seem that I am apologizing on this thing? LOL!

All is well in the Padded Room, thanks for asking!

Nothing truly interesting or exciting to report.

Boy crapped in the pool today. You heard me. SHIT IN THE POOL. What the fuck is up with that? So, we had the whole, "the pool is not a toilet" conversation. Of course, that was immediately followed by the, "honey, we don't play with ourselves while we're sitting on mommy's lap. it's not appropriate." talk.

Have I yet expounded on the many heavenly qualities of the ipod?? A little slice of heaven, this electronic device. I added about 15 cds to our library today. Wahoo!

Boy turns three tomorrow. Did you hear that? THREE. My little baby boy. THREE. The fact that he has actually MADE it to three is a testament to several things. 1) His cuteness. Because, seriously. If the child wasn't as cute as he is? There is NO way he'd still be around. 2) My unwavering patience. (LOL!) Again, if I wasn't as saintly and even-tempered as I am, he wouldn't be here. (sippy throwing incidents aside. No. Not him throwing it. Me. Yeah. You can say it. Mom of the year. Right here, folks!) 3) The luck of the Irish and the grace of God. Whatever. I couldn't come up with a good #3. But, sadly enough, I think those totally fit.

So, anyway. Tomorrow we are taking BOTH kids to the movies. (what in the hell am I thinking? A 15 month old? At the movies? Why do I put myself in these situations?) And, if the movie goes well (*insert maniacal laughter here*), we might brave our first trip to Chuck E Cheese. How, you ask yourselves, have we gone this long without a pilgrimage to that sacred locale? That altar of all that is hyper and cheesy? I do not know, my child. But, tomorrow. Tomorrow, all answers shall be revealed. And the kids shall know Chuck E. And, it shall be good.

Saturday is his birthday party. Dinosaurs as far as the eye can see. Saturday night, bachelorette party! Can anyone say Dee-RUNK. LOL! I am very much looking forward to it!

So, that's about it. Nothing too thrilling. Besides several earth-shattering personal revelations, as of late, that's all that the Padded Room has to offer you right now.

Have you been quenched? Your hunger sated?

Perhaps, in the interest of sparing myself another tortuous round with that damp noodle, I'll try to post more often. But, maybe, just maybe, I liked it...

Blinded by the light....

2006-04-01T20:02:00.000-08:00

(Adult interaction+shopping+a grande java chip frappuccino) by the sun coming out for more than 10 minutes for the first time in WEEKS=a much happier woman.

(Thanks, Mom!)

Oh give me a home, where the buffalo roam, and the kids are quiet all day....

2006-04-01T11:28:00.000-08:00

If you didn’t already know, there are some moments in motherhood that make you want to blow your fucking brains out. When you ask yourself “what on earth have I done? I actually WANTED this? Would anyone notice if I took off for Mexico and never came back?”

Sigh… Rough morning. Can you tell?

Hubs worked an overtime last night. So he is currently asleep. (I have an hour until pre-approved wake up time.) I get a half hour of help, then he has to start getting ready for work again. Girl won’t nap. Poops every time. I’m on 4th attempt. Boy is… well, his usual self. Seriously, is 5 minutes of relative quiet too much to ask? Oh, and I think the topper to it all is that I started my period today. Since I’ve had the copper IUD installed, my periods are extremely heavy, like SCARY heavy, and take a lot out of me. BLEH.

So, I’m sure that this is NOT the update you wanted after my extended blogging hiatus. I am sorry. I haven’t meant to ignore you, oh sweet internet, I’ve just not felt the urge to write. I apologize for leaving you with a butt smell story for oh these many weeks. But, I really could fill an entire blog with the poop-scapades that go on in the Padded Room. So, it is relatively appropriate!

We’ve been awfully busy around here, though! Girl turned one! Can you believe it?

Boy is (**whispering, so as not to arouse the attention of the Jinx gods**) potty-trained. Except for naps and bedtime, that is.

I am loving my job anymore. Except that they blocked all the fun stuff on the internet recently. Including my sweet, sweet Blogspot. Thus, the lack of updates… Is that a good enough excuse? No? Ummmm… Aliens abducted me? (wait, no kids? No toys to pick up, dishes to do? Hmmm… OH ALIENS!!!! HERE I AM!!!!) Ok, so I’m not feeling creative today. The dog ate my blog? No? Well, how about I throw myself upon the mercies of the internet, and beg for forgiveness? That’s about the best I can muster this morning.

Oh. Know what is utterly thrilling? Having your almost three year old INTENTLY watching as one changes a maxi-pad. Nice. Even better? Having your one year old reach for it while you are doing it. And, to top off the entire joyous experience, the three year old’s interested commentary* on what is in the toilet when you are done…

(* I use the word commentary VERY loosely. He still only has about 20 words. However, I know exactly what he’s trying to say. Am I odd that I don’t want to explain menstruation to a 3 year old?)

Well, off I go into the wild blue yonder that is the Padded Room. Yippy-ki-yay, mother-fucker.

2006-01-04T12:50:00.000-08:00

#104 on the list of things you thought you would never say until you had kids.

Boy got a Mr. Potato-Head for Christmas. I now realize that this wasn’t the most intelligent gift, since it has 40 pieces. FORTY. And, they are all over the family room. All the time.

Anyway, so Boy and I started playing this game a week or so ago, where we’ll put the Mr. Potato-Head lips in on our mouths (putting the stick part in our mouths and holding it there, so it looks like our lips, right?), and I’ll try to give him kisses, and we just giggle. Good, quality time, right?

Last night, during naked time, he was playing around, hubs and I were reading the paper and chatting. Boy gets all excited and runs up to me with the two Mr. Potato-Head tongues. (one for each of us!) I take the one he offers me, and put the stick part in my mouth, with all sorts of silly plans to pretend lick him with this tongue. After a few seconds, I snatch the thing out of my mouth…

“WAS THIS IN YOUR BUTT???? WAS THIS IN YOUR BUTT??? Honey, we do not put things in our butt!” (#104)

How did I know? When I had it in MY MOUTH I could smell the butt on it. I. COULD. SMELL. THE. BUTT.

Sweet Jesus. What on earth am I going to do with this child?

Yawn.

2005-12-30T11:59:00.000-08:00

Is it dangerous to begin a blog post with no idea of what you are going to say? Hmmm... I suppose we shall see, won't we?

I guess I could offer an update from the Padded Room? How does that sound class?

The great flooring project of Christmas 2005 has been completed. And, if I may say, it looks fucking AWESOME!! It was alot easier than we thought it would be, and it turned out beautifully! Now, when Boy spills milk, he grabs a towel and wipes it up himself. Nice.

Christmas was hectic. We're not done yet either. Trip to the Bay Area to see MIL on Monday. We're staying the night so hubs can get new glasses on Tuesday. Thankfully, we're getting a two bedroom suite. Girl and I in one room. Boy and Hubs in another. This also means that we won't have to go to bed at 7:30pm! And, yes, we have to go to the Bay Area for hub's glasses. MIL is an optician. Therefore, that's where we go. You know anyone else that travels 2 hours for an eye appointment?

Girl is such a joy. Except when she's tired. However, she is so much easier than her brother, temperment-wise! She's a pro at crawling now, and is getting pretty good at that cruising thing to! And, the child is an absolute chow-hound. She will eat anything. She snags her brother's food on a regular basis. I can't eat without her at my knee, begging for food. Thankfully, she's got the chewing thing down pretty well, so I can share most things with her. She's still an awful sleeper, though. Up 3-4 times a night. UGH.

Boy is such a two year old. LOL! Need I say more? He goes from holy terror to sweetie-pie in 2.3 seconds. I cannot believe how big he's getting, though! Such a big boy. Sigh... makes me wanna tear up sometimes.

Hubs has been a grump lately. Can't figure out why. Working on it.

Otherwise, not too much excitment happening.

Sorry for the boring post. Again, the dangers of blogging without direction.

Please blog responsibly, folks. And, have a happy new year!

How sad am I??

2005-12-21T09:20:00.000-08:00

Ok. I moved out of my mom's house when I was 21. That was over 9 years ago. I have since lived in 4 different homes.

So, why is it, that when I am coming home from the grocery store, I still turn on my blinker and come 'this close' to turning onto her street??????

2005-12-15T08:21:00.000-08:00

Reason # 5,763 that we are certifiably insane:

Hubs has a 4 day weekend this weekend. We have decided to tear up the family room carpeting and put down laminate flooring this weekend. OURSELVES. The WEEKEND BEFORE CHRISTMAS. Only pausing on Saturday afternoon to attend the extended family Christmas celebration. Dear, sweet, Jesus.

I mean, there is a reason for it. After several years of our pain in the ass dogs (anyone want a couple dogs? Really. I'll ship for free?), there is a gaping hole in the carpet. While you are probably thinking, 'why don't you put something over it? Carpet, furniture, etc.?' Unfortunately, it's not really an option. Locationally and toddler-wise. The main reason the hole is even an issue is that I have a 9 month old female vacuum cleaner, and, while she puts some really nasty things in her mouth (see previous post), I don't take kindly to the thought of her choking on carpet padding. I've found pieces of it in her mouth twice. And, yes, I simply choose not to think about what might be in that padding. For now, I choose to focus on the fear of choking, suffocating death.

Anyway, the offending carpet will be removed this weekend. I'll let you know if we survive.

Oh, and one last thing. I love my toddler, I really do. But, sometimes, I just don't like him. Does that make me a bad mom? Or does that simply make me human?

(Final note: Yes, I am choosing to ignore that is has been a month and a half since my last post. I hope you have all enjoyed the poop-eating post for the last 6 weeks. I hope to continue to offer you the same level of entertaining fare in the future.)

Oh. My. God.

2005-10-29T19:54:00.000-07:00

I am amazed that kids ever make it to adulthood. And, to be honest? I'm amazed that parents ever make it through their kids' childhood.

Need an example?

Mmm. Let me elaborate for you a bit.

Quick note: Are you eating right now? Put it down. Step away from the doughnuts, spaghetti, or ham sandwich. You will NOT want to be eating for this one.

So, if I hadn't mentioned it yet, Girl is crawling now. It's actually been wonderful, for several reasons, but that's not why we're here, now is it? Tonight, she was making her way around the family room floor. Boy was watching Shrek 2, and I was watching them both, but also trying to figure out the Cryptoquote in today's paper. It gets to be about bedtime (ah... sweet relief!), and I go to pick up Girl to get her ready. I notice a discolored area at the neckline of her shirt. I thought, "Hm. Well, she probably just spit up a little. It almost looks dirty, though? Well, this carpet isn't the cleanest (considering this is the only room the dogs are allowed in), no big deal..." This is all going through my head as I carry her back to her room. As we are walking into her room, I notice she's doing this funny mouth/expression thing. It's relatively new, but I THINK it means that she might have something in her mouth. So, I put her down on the changing table, pull off her socks, pull of her pants, and then decide to check out what may or may not be in her mouth. So, I pry open her mouth, take a look around, and see something inside her left cheek that she's kinda working around. I finger sweep it out. Look at it. Hmmm. Smell it.

HOLY FUCKING GOD. MY EIGHT MONTH OLD DAUGHTER IS SUCKING ON A POOPBALL LIKE IT'S A PIECE OF FUCKING CANDY!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am not kidding you, folks. This is my life.

Pardon me for a moment.

**pauses to lean over and violently puke guts out**

I'm back.

I swear. I am so ill. I cannot believe this. She was NOT acting like it was bad, either. What the fuck is wrong with my kids??? Why the poop-eating????? WHY???????? First one, then the other. I have no clue whether Girl's gourmet tidbit was dog poop (that may have traveled in on their feet) or possibly an escapee from Boy's diaper, but either way, I am SO sick. And, obviously, it wasn't in her mouth for only a few seconds either... thus the 'dirty' neckline of her shirt. Which, it turns out, was dirty from POOP COLORED SALIVA!!!!!

**Retching again**

And before you get all "how long has it been since she's vacuumed???" It has only been a few days. I swear.

Like it was candy. POOP. CANDY.

Dear, sweet Jesus. I do not think I am going to survive these kids. I really don't. Ok, my sanity might (MIGHT) make it, but my stomach sure as hell isn't.

Deep thoughts...

2005-10-24T10:12:00.000-07:00

Lately, I've been pondering on the similarities between two year olds and teenagers.

They both are in a wildly emotional state, prone to excessive outbursts. They both are defiant, deliberately disobedient, and struggling to find their place in this world.

The two big differences? First, when they are teenagers, you don't have to touch or clean up (or scrub off walls!) their poop. Well, at least, let's sincerely hope not. And, second, the issues that teenagers tantrum about are a bit more significant to their life story, know what I mean? Meaning, if when Boy is 16, if all he gets huffy and defiant about is wanting more cheese, then I think we'll be ok!!

But, honestly... How is it fair, that as parents, we have to go through this TWICE? Come on. I now know why liquor was invented...

Thar she blows!!!

2005-10-21T10:47:00.000-07:00

So, I had my IUD removed on Wednesday.

Oh, didn't I tell you? We're going to start trying for another baby!!!!!

Ummmmm... HELL FUCKING NOT!!! LMAO!! Oh gosh! I pulled that on Audra the other day. She was freaked and I was laughing my ass off!!! She said, "Are you kidding?" LOL! After I told her that "HELL, YES!" I was kidding, she apologized for not saying something more supportive! LOL! What a sweetie, huh? However, I thought her response was entirely appropriate!!!

Anyway, so I got it pulled because it's been poking me. Not badly, mind you, but enough to be annoying. I had it checked and it wasn't positioned badly or anything. So, I agonized over it for a few months, since I LOVE how easy it is. But, I decided to have it pulled. I figured I'd have it re-inserted after a few weeks, and maybe it would position a bit better? And, then, I got to thinking that maybe the hormones in it might have something to do with my depression? I know, I know, far-fetched and not likely, but you just never know, huh? Anyway, we'll just have to see how things progress! To be honest, I already feel better than I have in a long time! So, I figure when I go back in, I will have the copper one put in, instead. Still get the easy birth control BUT with no hormonal side effects!!

Back to my title. This morning, as I'm getting ready to leave for work, I started to GUSH! LOL! Now, before you freak out, it just came out fast and wet. (love that imagery, don't you?) I'm not filling pads or anything, so there's no hemmorhage (sp?) or anything, but I'm definitely crampy! Bleh. I haven't had a crampy period in a quite a while! I've been pregnant or nursing for hmmmm... three years now. Wow. That's something else, huh?

Anyway, I am feeling much happier these days. Could be situational, who knows? I'll TAKE IT, though!!!!

Did you see that??

2005-10-19T09:50:00.000-07:00

I think it was a.... YES! It was a tumbleweed!

And, there's another!

Wow. That's something else, huh?

I think the crickets have taken over the Padded Room...

Guess I need to call the exterminator, huh?

Sorry for being MIA. I've had bloggers' block. What can you do?

I'll be around soon. Promise!

2005-09-19T12:48:00.000-07:00

It has become apparent that my kid is “that” kid. You know the one I’m talking about. “That” one. The one that causes you to turn to your spouse (or SO) the minute you get in the car and say “did you see “that” kid??? Oh my God! He was an absolute TERROR!” And, you just know in the back of their head, they are thinking what terrible parents he must have, to have allowed him to get so out of control.

And, my response? If the damn party didn’t last FIVE FUCKING hours, he wouldn’t have gotten so out of hand. He’s only TWO for god’s sake.

Sigh… My lesson for the weekend? Do not go to a birthday party with both kids, alone. Either drag the spouse along or don’t take both kids. Got it?

Oh, and if it looks like the party is going to go longer than a few hours? Get the hell out of Dodge, son. Otherwise, it's gonna get pretty damn ugly...

The longest 20 minutes of his life...

2005-09-12T08:59:00.000-07:00

20 minutes.

20 minutes of full on screaming, thrashing, kicking, crying tantrum. He went down on the family room carpet, and did that disco move. You know the one where they lay on their side, and move their body in a circle with their feet? Ok, well, maybe it’s not a disco move… but perhaps it should be?

Anyway, 20 looonnnggg minutes of completely insane toddler.

Want to know why? Wondering what major transgression must have occurred to cause this poor, mistreated child such consternation? And, please don’t judge me for this, ok?

I put him in pants. Instead of shorts. Pants. He completely flipped out. Went totally berserk.

Once he calmed down, he was fine.
It was, however, completely entertaining for us. Will it scar him forever that we can’t help but laugh at him when he gets like that?

Thank goodness for my padded room...

2005-09-08T09:47:00.000-07:00

This poor little blog o’mine has been ignored like the doofy, skinny, akward girl with a side ponytail and headgear, standing in the corner of the eighth grade gym, watching all the other kids slow dance to Total Eclipse of the Heart. Wait. Was that you? Or was it me? Sigh.

Anyway, it has been one goddamn busy week, that’s for sure. And, one damn crappy month to boot. Where should I start? And, are you truly ready for this? Seriously. I’m about to take a proverbial dump in your brain. Kinda like I just had a venti double chocolate chip crème frappuccino… (you all know what THAT does to me)

I’ll start small-ish. Hubs took last week off to finally finish up the ‘hole with no name’, and try to turn it into some semblance of a front patio. The ‘hole with no name’ has spent several months hanging out in the front yard. He started digging several months ago, and then it hit 107 degrees. Hey, I’m not going to fault him for not wanting to get out there and dig that shit up in the middle of Sacramento summer hell, kwim? Anyway, we started working on it, in earnest, on Monday of last week. (Notice how I say we? Like I was doing some of the work? Nice, huh?) I’d also like to state that hubs has the best little brother in the whole world. He was over almost all last week to help. I mean, this was some shitty-ass work! And, he was a trooper, that’s for sure. ANYWAY, I took Thursday and Friday off, so that hubs could work all day, rather than just after I got home, and on Saturday, we wrapped up laying all of the pavers. (Notice the ‘we’ again? Mm-hm. I was doing a whole lotta of sittin’ on my ass, that’s for sure!) Now, we are just trying to sweep the sand into the spaces between the pavers. (the ‘we’ this time is correct, though. I thought I could help a little, right?) This is proving to be much more difficult than we had anticipated, though. I mean, seriously. Tiny little grains of sand, being forcibly swept into even tinier spaces. Joy.

This past Monday, since it was the last day of the State Fair, we decided to spend some time (MONEY!) at the fair. We had a nice time, however, we got a bee up our butts and ended up buying a SPA. Sigh. While we’ve wanted one for a while, this probably wasn’t the most well-thought out move, financially. However, we’ve now spent the last several days trying to get quotes on the concrete and electrical work needed. Um. Bleh. The first quote on the electrical was so outrageous, that I told hubs to see if we could cancel the spa!! Hopefully, the guy coming out today is a bit more reasonable.

We started sleep training with Girl. I don’t want to hear anything from the internets re: sleep training. Just SHUT IT, ok? My life, my situation. You come to my house and spend a few weeks in my shoes and then we’ll talk… Anyway, while she’s doing pretty well with it, it doesn’t seem to be helping the night wakings all that much. ARGH. Seriously. I don’t know how much longer I can do this!

I’ve been on the Zoloft for two weeks now. The initial side effects were pretty crummy, however, they did ease up. While I haven’t had a bad day since I started, and I’m still not sure what to expect from this medication, I’m waiting patiently for things to look up! LOL! Here’s hoping this is the kick in the pants I need to feel some semblance of motivation and happiness again.

This past weekend I met my birth mother. The fan-damily and I went to my b. aunt’s house for a bbq. My b. mother and b. grandmother were there. It was nice. Kinda weird, but nice. Felt good to be the center of attention, but weird because I knew they were really sizing me up, trying to determine what kind of person I was. The consensus seemed to be that they were happy with who I have become. Which is nice, but I already knew that I was awesome!! LMAO! They enjoyed the kids quite a bit, and boy oh boy, does Girl look like me when I was a baby! Hoo-boy!

Boy’s Speech Therapy is going well. We’ve actually seen some significant improvements over the last month. He is signing like crazy! He picks up signs like you wouldn’t believe. It’s amazing! I can show him a sign ONCE, and then he starts to use it appropriately! We now have about 5 words, which is wonderful, AND he is using ‘mama’ and ‘dada’ communicatively now!! It’s SOOO awesome to hear him call ‘mama’! I start a class for parents in a week or so, that will go on for 10 weeks. It’s called ‘It Takes Two to Talk’. I am hoping it offers us even more tools for working with him!

The big, ugly thing that is currently going on is as follows… *edited* (sorry)

My job. Hate it. Ok, don’t hate it, but don’t like it. I wonder if hubs would be willing to take a second job so that I can quit??? Yeah. I didn’t think so.

I think that’s enough for now. I hope my poor little blog feels a bit more loved (dumped) on.

What did anyone ever do without the internet? (part two)

2005-08-31T07:40:00.000-07:00

I just finished taking an online traffic school. TRAFFIC SCHOOL! It took me maybe 4 hours to complete. I got my certificate in the mail yesterday. AND, it was only $19.99!!!!!!! AND, since I have squat to do at work, I did it there. Which means, essentially, I GOT PAID TO TAKE IT.

Sigh... You can't beat that, now can you?

What's that smell?

2005-08-25T19:35:00.000-07:00

I've got so much shit being dumped on me these days, that I decided to offer an internet special. Anyone out there that needs to dump some shit, please feel free to crap on me too. I'm so buried in it, I wouldn't notice the difference, I promise.

Ew.

2005-08-22T12:39:00.000-07:00

So, last night, I was bathing Boy after a particularly icky poop (that got all watered down due to the sprinklers, but that’s a whole other story). Anyway, I washing his rear end, and I felt something strange. I thought it was another chunk or something that I’d missed, right? So, I grabbed it.

Um. It was a thread. And, it was still halfway in.

And, yes, I pulled it out.

The things these kids cause me to do. I will never be the same.

2005-08-22T09:31:00.000-07:00

Well, I did it. I finally made the call. I called my ob and told her to call in a prescription for an anti-depressant.

I don’t know why I’m so scared to do this. I really don’t. I don’t feel like there is anything wrong with it. I am just scared. I didn’t want to have to do it. But, when I have a bad day, it’s B-A-D. The last 6-7 weeks have been pretty good actually. But, last week, I started to slip. I felt myself sliding down the slope. There wasn’t anything I could do about it. Friday, I hit bottom. A terrible, terrible day. Saturday, MIL was in town, so it wasn’t too awful. Yesterday, terrible day. It is a truly awful feeling to be scared that you are going to hurt your kids. I just can’t cope. I get completely overwhelmed, frustrated and angry. I yell. I haven’t gone over the edge yet, thank god. But, if I don’t get this under control, I’m afraid I might.

I feel like a horrible mother. I hate that I yell. I hate that I feel this way. I hate that I get so overwhelmed and frustrated that I don’t look rationally at the situation. I hate feeling like this. I hate feeling like this. I hate feeling like this.

I feel guilty about my kids taking the brunt of my frustrations. It’s not their job to be unloaded on. Sometimes I feel like I don’t deserve to have such beautiful, amazing kids. I am such a fucking crackpot. I am bound to screw these kids up.

I hate feeling like this.

Oh, and in case I hadn’t mentioned it? I hate feeling like this.

(In case you are all wondering where hubs is in all of this, he and I work opposite schedules. Which is great in that the kids aren't in daycare. But, lousy in that we are both alone with the kids all the time. Well, not ALL the time, but MOST of the time. It's so much harder to deal with when I am all alone.)

OH, and I feel crappy about feeling so bad, when I have nothing truly to feel bad about, you know? I have things pretty damn good. I have friends with their babies in the NICU, with potentially major health issues, and here I sit, with a wonderful husband, two gorgeous, healthy babies, a beautiful home, a good job, etc,, etc., and I am the one depressed. Jesus-fucking-Christ. What the hell is my problem?! Someone find me a dark corner.

STUFF PORTRAIT FRIDAY!!

2005-08-18T21:59:00.000-07:00

So, I've been meaning to start playing this for the longest time. I finally got my act together!

Stuff Portrait Friday is thanks to Kristine of Random and Odd and it is so fun to see other people's stuff! If you want to play, just be sure to check her blog out in the beginning of the week. She always lists the topics for SPF by about Tuesday.

Anyway, here are my entries this week...

1. Something you made/built yourself.

2005-08-18T21:57:00.000-07:00

So I had a TINY bit of help on these! LOL! Ok, ok... I'll play for real...

1. Something you made/built yourself.

2005-08-18T21:54:00.000-07:00

Yes. I am damn goofy and cheesy enough to put a pic of my scrapbook on here. This is one of my favorite pages. Now, before you go getting all vomity and green due to my 'Martha-ness', just don't. This is SO not me, but I just couldn't bring myself not to do something special with all of the mementos from my kids' birth through first birthday. Of course, since I'm only to Boy's first day alive, we'll see how it goes! LOL!

2. Tools of your hobby

2005-08-18T21:49:00.000-07:00

Ah-ha! I bet you wanted to see the tools of my hobby that created those beautiful children, huh? LOL! Nope. This is a family blog, people. Move along, move along... Nothing pornographic to see here. Unless you think the Crop-In-Style XL wheeled tote is as sexy as I do! Then, feel free to leer all you like! It's all MINE, baby!

3. Something you want to give away.

2005-08-18T21:46:00.000-07:00

Ha ha ha ha ha! Not really... Well, ok, sometimes really! LOL! However...

3. Something you want to give away (For real this time)

2005-08-18T21:40:00.000-07:00

Now don't hate me for this... Really. These two just drive me bananas.. ALL THE TIME. Sigh. I would never really give them away. But, sometimes it's nice to think about!! LOL!

Distraction at it's finest...

2005-08-16T08:46:00.000-07:00

Boy is taking swim lessons right now. Not that they are formal lessons or anything, to be honest, we just play around in the water. Yeahhh…. Riiiiiggghhhttt. I could do that for free. ANYHOW, we went to swim lessons yesterday. We usually get there a few minutes early, to get ready and stuff. I get Boy ready first, take off his shoes, take off his shirt. I take off my shirt, but leave my pants on until the very second we have to go get in the water. No need to glory everyone with the plump dimpled whiteness that is my legs and ass. So, yesterday, we were all ready to go, except for my pants. It’s our turn, I whip my pants off and take two steps before I look down and realize that MY BATHING SUIT BOTTOMS ARE ON INSIDE OUT.* Sigh… I don’t know if anyone would have noticed or not, but there’s the cotton panel and the tags and seams and stuff… Crap. What now? I immediately went back to our bags and squatted down while I thought it out. I just couldn’t bring myself to pretend like they were fine! So, I grabbed my towel, wrapped it around my waist and Boy and I trotted off to the women’s room, I took them off, turned them around and put them back on and went straight back to the pool.

Whew. Crisis averted.

I need a nap.

*(Disclaimer: I do NOT wear a bikini. Dear GOD NO! I would not do that to the kind folk of Sacramento. I wear a VERY modest tankini. I can't usually do one pieces because I'm too tall for that. Heck, my tankini is so modest, I BARELY have to trim the hedges to go out in public!)

How sad is it when...

2005-08-11T10:38:00.000-07:00

Knowing full well that it's going to make you shit like a laxative junkie, you still go and get your venti double chocolate chip creme frappuccino.

You listen to your child's cds in the car. When your children are not there with you. And, worse yet. You find yourself singing and dancing along to the music.

While at work, in the grocery store, or out for the first time in forever without kids, you find yourself singing, "fruit salad, yummy, yummy..." (OR, perhaps, "We just got a letter, we just got a letter, we just got a letter... wonder who it's from?" Maybe THIS is your cup of tea, "We've got the whole wide world in our yards to explore... Now it's time for us to have a snack, meet you next time when we're back. With your friends, the Backyardigans... (that was for you, Audra!))

You get totally obsessive and anal about keeping your toddler wrapped in a towel while you change them out of their swimsuit and swim diaper at the public pool. Because you just never know what sickos are sitting there waiting for a shot of toddler bootie.

Ok, your turn! :o)

How many times can I say 'poop' in one blog?

2005-08-05T19:25:00.000-07:00

Confession. I have poop issues. I bet you didn't know there was such a thing as 'poop issues' did you? And, no, I don't mean the kind of 'poop issues' that my husband has. I can poop anywhere, anytime, in front of anyone. Ok, that last poop statement is exaggerated a bit. Let's just say I have minimal poop anxieties.

You ask, "then what kind of poop issues do you have?" My answer, "lots of poop. Runny poop. The kind of poop that makes your belly hurt. The kind of poop that has you leaving your desk at work 5 times in an hour." It's embarrassing to have to get up to poop multiple times at work. Because you know that everyone that sees you head to the bathroom each time, KNOWS you're pooping. They. know. you. are. pooping. Ick. I don't want to know when other people are pooping. I don't want to smell their poop in the public bathrooms. And, honestly, I don't think they really want to be smelling MY poop.

I used to have really, really bad poop issues. I once had diarrhea poop on the side of a busy freeway!!! However, once my gall bladder was removed, my poop issues eased up considerably. I was SO poopin' happy about that! However, once in a while, my poop still goes into overdrive. Sometimes, I am amazed at the amount of poop my body can contain. Stacks and stacks of poop. Rising out of the poop-scented water. The biggest poop culprit these days? My only poopin' vice? Those damn, poopin' good double chocolate chip frappuccino's from Starbucks. Why do they make me poop so much? Why do they make my poop hurt my belly? I wish I could tell you why they make me poop. It's not like there is caffeine in them, to make me poop, you know?

So, as you can tell, I spent a few hours at work today, making repeated trips to poop. I tried to do courtesy flushes for my poop. But, I know that my poop stunk the place up. Everyone knew I was pooping. And, pooping. And, pooping. I had to stop my pumping session to go poop some more.

Sigh... Poop on it. I'm not going to stop drinking my poopin' frappuccino's!!! NO POOPIN' WAY! They are way better on the way in, than the poop is bad on the way out.

Poop count: 45

How did anyone accomplish anything without the internet???

2005-08-04T10:05:00.000-07:00

Well, my last post got me really thinking about the possibility of finding my birth mother. So, I started poking around on the internet. Yesterday I found the obituary of my biological grandfather. It had all the right names and dates on it! And, an address for his widow! Eureka! Or so I thought! Anyway, after exhausting all visible possibilities, I was stuck. THEN, I realized that Wilton and Concord were NOT CA cities, but NH cities. I was then able to reach a b. (biological) great aunt. I chatted with her for a while, and she gave me the info for my b. aunt, my b. mother’s older sister. As soon as I told her my name, she knew exactly who I was. She told me that one of the reasons she had stayed in Sacramento was just in case I had tried to find someone. She lives about 3 miles from me!!!

Anyway, last night, I received an e-mail from the b. aunt here in Sacramento, and my birth mother. I have to say, it was SO weird seeing her name in my inbox. Weird is the word to describe all of this right now. I am feeling so many different things.

I’m nervous, anxious, scared, curious, and a little excited. I was in a pretty bad state yesterday. All worked up, almost to the point of vomiting. Today I’m feeling a bit calmer about it.

I am sure I’ll be meeting up with my b. aunt soon. And my b. mother will be coming into town over Labor Day weekend (she lives in Idaho), so I’ll probably meet her then.

In her e-mail she asked me for pictures. I so wanted to send her some really good ones. I tried my best to find decent pics. Funny. I am so worried that she won’t think I’m pretty enough or won’t like me. Which is utterly silly, I know. But, apparently I feel the need to impress her. How could I possibly feel like I’m not good enough? Sigh. My head sure plays some weird-ass tricks on me sometimes.

She sent me some pics of her and her sisters. It’s so strange to look at these people, know that I am related to them, but feel totally disconnected from them.

So, I’m worried. I’m worried that they will want more than I am willing to give. I know I opened one fucking HUGE can of worms with all this. And, I don’t know if I really thought things out beforehand. Especially since it only took me 3 hours of concentrated effort to actually find them. No time to really think on this, you know? They are all thrilled to death to hear from me. They have invited me on their next ‘ya-ya’ trip! LOL! (the three sisters and their mother get together every year for a vacation.) I’m just not sure how I am going to fit them in. What if they want to pick up like nothing ever happened? I really don’t want to have the “I HAVE a family” talk. I DO want a relationship with these people. But, I also already have a family. I have a mother. And, she’s a DAMN good one, at that. I know that I’m worrying about something that hasn’t even happened yet, but I’m SO good at doing that! LOL!

Anyway, I’m just trying to process all of this. Just gotta blog it out, I guess… LOL!

I’m sure you’ll be hearing more on the subject!

On this day...

2005-08-01T10:35:00.000-07:00

27 years ago, I was officially adopted. I was almost 3 years old.

I’ve always been grateful to my birth mother for seeing that she couldn’t do it anymore, and putting me with a wonderful family. And, before I had kids, I thought that it must have been tough… However. Now that I have kids? Dear God. Tough doesn’t even begin to touch it. How on earth could someone bring themselves to do that? How desperate she must have been. How scared and overwhelmed. I cannot even imagine being that overwhelmed. I have bad days, yes. But, never in a million, bazillion years could I fathom giving up my babies. Next February, Eric will be about the age that I was when I was put up for adoption. (I was only in foster care for about 3.5 months.) I think it’s going to be an interesting month for me.

Of course, I understand that I am in a completely different place than she was. She was young, 19 when she had me. Unmarried. Her father tried to get her to have an abortion. (where's that staring smiley when you need it?) Lived at home for a while, when that didn’t work, tried it on her own. That didn’t work either. She kept in touch with my parents until I was 5 years old. She wrote then that she was getting married, and they didn’t hear from her again. Yes, I’ve thought about trying to find her. It’s kind of a complicated thing, though. What if she didn’t want to be found? I can’t quite figure out how she would fit into my life right now, either. I’m just getting my IL’s fit in! There’s also the money thing. It would cost me money to find her. Simply because I refuse to do the ‘call everyone in the phone book with that last name, or write letters to all the people that fit her specs on the internet search engine’, you know? Will not do it. So, I’d have to pay someone. I have enough decent information about her (maiden name, a sister’s name, her mother’s name, she was in the military when she got pg, etc.) that it probably wouldn’t take much to find her, but still. At this point, all I really want is a medical history. It’s SO hard being asked for medical history, and having to either write n/a OR explain it. Ok, it’s not SO hard, it’s just weird. I’m pretty well-adjusted about the whole thing, actually. Funny story: (well, not super funny, just odd-funny) When I turned 18, I went to Social Services and opened my adoption file. Of course, I didn’t get any personal information, but I did get a 7 page letter with all the details of the adoption, etc. The case-worker actually seemed AMAZED that I was so well-adjusted! LOL! I don’t know what she was expecting, but apparently, it wasn’t me! ;o) Well, ok, well-adjusted is a perspective thing… LOL!

Know what really struck me? In all of the paperwork, there were some handwritten notes from her. About things I liked, foods I ate, etc. In particular, it was my daily schedule. You know, the ones you write for people who babysit your kids for an extended period of time? Imagine doing that for the LAST time. Imagine you are writing out your child’s schedule for some strangers who will be taking care of your baby for the rest of their life. Really struck me. I wonder what she went through as she was writing it all down?

As a side note, my parents have always kinda celebrated today. I called it my anniversary as I was growing up. People would always look strangely at the 5 year old saying “today is my anniversary!” LOL! I always got presents too! :o) It’s been several years since the presents, and honestly, they’ve forgotten a few times in the last few years. I wonder if they will call this year? LOL!

2005-07-30T20:06:00.000-07:00

How sad is it when nothing interesting enough to blog happens in your life?? Unless everyone is truly interested in the mechanics of a two-year old's tantrums, or the detailed sleep (or lack thereof) schedule of a 5 month old? Hmmm? Anyone? Yeah, I didn't think so!

However, there have been a few happenings in the Padded Room as of late.

First, we finally have all of Boy's Early Intervention Assessments done. The good news is that it's just a speech delay. Everything else is right on target, if not above age level! The bad news (and it's not particularly bad, it just is...) is that his expressive speech is at a 12 month old level. It's DEFINITELY enough to qualify him for services though! We start weekly speech therapy on August 1st! I really hope we can see some improvement. I cannot WAIT to hear his little voice! Yes, I am even looking forward to the first NO! and MINE! You might say "oh NO you're not!" Know what? OH YES I AM! :o)

The other recent news is... and I hesitate to even say anything, lest that ugly beast named JINX happens to be listening. Now, listen close, because I'm going to whisper, just in case he IS hanging around... Jamie has slept through the night for the last two nights! Yep. Of course, no one around here is counting any eggs, now mind you. But, I can't say that I haven't enjoyed it tremendously! I've gotten a 5-6 hour stretch of sleep for the first time in about 5 months! I think this is what happened... On Monday, she finally, after weeks and weeks of effort, figured out how to roll from back to belly. So, she's been rolling herself over and sleeping on her belly!! Before you all nod knowingly and think I'm a lunatic for not even trying it myself, I'd like to clarify that I DID try it. Like 5 or 6 different times. It NEVER worked. She always woke up after about 10 minutes. I guess she just needed to do it herself!! Anyway, there are no gift horses around here, and if there were, I certainly wouldn't be looking anywhere NEAR their mouth. But, I can hope that it continues, right? I'll keep you all posted...

Front patio project has stalled due to 102-107 degree weather for the last few weeks. I certainly don't expect hubs to get out there and DIG in this weather. Of course, 4.5 pallets of pavers are currently sitting on our driveway, baking in the sun! Oh well. I'm sure the neighbors are all disgusted. But, they can kiss our sun baked asses! LOL!

Not too much else going on, I don't think. TWO WEEKS TO TAHOE!!!! Jeebus. I can't even tell you how much I'm looking forward to it! Overnight trip, sans kiddos, and a birthday to boot!

Nighty-nite all... I'm going to go enjoy my glass of wine!

My kids are out to get me.

2005-07-25T19:51:00.000-07:00

Seriously.

They are using a two-pronged approach. She has decided to use sleep as her weapon. No naps, no continuous nighttime sleep. LOTS of crying.

He has decided that unless a steady supply of Kraft singles and The Incredibles is provided, his world will end. Taking my sanity with it.

Superheroes and processed cheese food. What a combo.

So, as you can see, my sanity is hanging on by a thread. Did I really say that I wanted another one????????????????

BANG! BANG!

2005-07-22T12:45:00.000-07:00

Oh, crap. Someone SHOOT ME NOW.

I am having 'feelings' about missing my pregnancy.

Put it to my temple and pull the trigger! FAST!

Seriously. I don't think I am physically or emotionally capable of raising another child. So, WHY ON EARTH do I feel sad about not having anymore? I don't particularly enjoy the newborn stage, so WHY do I miss it? Am I forgetting already? How can I forget when I am still up multiple, multiple times every night? damn fucking hormones...

ARGH! DEAR GOD! SOMEONE SAVE ME!

Mmmmm...

2005-07-22T06:59:00.000-07:00

Whoever invented the double chocolate chip creme frappuccino is a fucking saint.

It has no caffeine for us nursing mommies, but all sorts of chocolately goodness! Including real chunks of chocolate!!!

So, a big, fat, wet, slurpy tongue kiss to the marketing genuis at Starbuck's for this particular item.

Bathroom Humor...

2005-07-18T08:24:00.000-07:00

So, is it wrong that I take such utter and sheer delight in tormenting my husband? Seriously, he can be such a stick in the mud sometimes, and I LOVE to annoy the hell out of him! My very favorite is to interrupt his bowel movements. Ok, ok, let me explain before you get all grossed out! My husband is very particular about where and how he goes. He cannot go in a public restroom, for example. We went camping once (for 3 days!) and since the public restroom stalls didn’t have doors on them, he couldn’t go. Now, he eventually located a port-o-potty that was about a MILE away from our campsite. How he walked a full mile with a turtle-head poking out is beyond me. But, this gives you a bit of insight into his behavior in this regard.

So, anyway, he cannot, repeat CANNOT, poop with the bathroom door open, OR if he thinks anyone is listening. As you can imagine, this makes for GREAT fun for the bored wife! My tactics vary. I’ve used the scratching the bathroom door method. Always effective. Standing outside the door and either wiggling the doorknob or just saying ‘plop’ in a high voice. All attempts create the desired reaction. (Note: his reaction is almost always getting really, really pissed off! LOL!)

My favorite of favorites was several years ago, at the old house. I was using a combination of methods, and finally, he got so pissed that he yelled through the door, “Goddamnit, Nikky! You made me pinch it off!” I fell on to the bed, and I think I laughed for a full half hour.

Now, I do realize that I am a HUGE dork for getting so much amusement from something so base. Especially when my enjoyment level is directly proportionate to his anger level. But, come on. If the opportunity presented itself to you, you wouldn’t take it???

Now we have discussions like this:

Me: Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha….

Him: You BETTER not teach Boy and Girl to do that!

Me: HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA…

Him: (walks away)

Me: HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA!!!!

I am SO damn funny!

Friends, Romans, and Blogdom...

2005-07-16T19:52:00.000-07:00

Lend me your ears...

I have an announcement to make.

Ready?

In less that one month, I will be turning the big three-oh. Yes, you heard me. 30. Now, I know, I know. You are asking how someone so very young-looking and gorgeous, can possibly be 30? Well, it's true.

Now you say, "Well now, how do you FEEL about turning 30?"

And, I say, (poking belly) "I feel a little squishy." LOL! No, really, my answer today and my answer three years ago are totally different. I've always been one of those that was a little afraid of growing older, a little scared of what lay ahead. So, at 27, you would have gotten a resounding ACK! A "nope, not gonna happen, no way, no how. I didn't do it, nobody saw me do it, you can't prove anything" type of answer.

Since I'm one of those overly self-analytical, totally anal retentive people that completely overthink things, I've spent some time pondering this upcoming milestone over the last year or so. Want to know what my conclusion was?

Meh. No bigs.

Really. Never did I think that I wouldn't care. But, I don't. I've actually been able to pinpoint the moment that it pretty much stopped mattering for me. 8:11am on Friday, June 13th, 2003. How do I know so precisely, you ask?? Well, at that moment, a tiny, bloody, slippery, screaming creature was being pulled from a gaping hole in my belly. (like the imagery?? :o) ) Of course, tiny isn't entirely correct. The kid was 10lbs, 8oz. And, he also proceeded to continue screaming for about 2-3 months. But, I digress.

Anyway, that's when it stopped mattering. Was because my priorities shifted? And, they did, in a BIG way. Perhaps... Maybe it's just because at this moment, at almost 30 years old, I've got things pretty damn good. The only thing that I truly regret was not getting my college degree. (who knew not doing homework and not going to class would cause one to end up dropping out of college?? Not me!)

Suffice it to say, it's another birthday. Yes, it's a milestone birthday, but nothing to panic about. However, dear, sweet hubs has made reservations in Lake Tahoe for the night, sans kiddos, for us to celebrate. There will be gambling, drinking and sleeping galore! (and the remote possibility of some S-E-X, but don't tell him that!) Oh, and don't forget the tri-hourly pumping session. Whoop, whoop! Party central, over here, gang! My old friend, breast pump, will be joining us on this jaunt. Can't leave home without it, right? I'll miss the kiddos, of course, but I am SOOO looking forward to it.

On another topic, I am pretty sure I thoroughly caffeinated Girl today. The can of mocha mix said 99.7% caffeine-free. MY ASS. She was up for almost 5 hours with only a 20 minute nap!

Btw, Meredith. Tonight, I AM drinking! I decided that it's Saturday night, and since I haven't gone out in forever, I'm going to get drunk, turn on some music and shake that bootie, all by myself!! Wait. That sounds just WAY too sad, huh? Look what these kids have reduced me to! Allright, forget the music and bootie-shaking. I'm just going to get drunk!

Oh, guess what?? Someone found my blog by doing a Yahoo search on "my baby ate dog poop"!!! LOL! This is what they found!! I swear, these kids are going to be the death of me!!!

Trying too hard?

2005-07-15T19:37:00.000-07:00

Perhaps. Do I give a shit? Not particularly.

I've decided that vomiting the drab contents of my brain out on to your collective psyches all willy nilly, is neither productive, nor therapeutic.

Therefore, I have decided to attempt to use this blog o' mine to splash a little color behind my eyes. To use my imagination, flex my brain a bit. I shall post things that I find funny or cathartic. Notice that I said I. Meaning: not you. You dig?

This is an attempt to keep that snorting, snarling beast in the corner, the one named PPD, out of my head. By doing this, I'm telling him to fuck off and get the hell out. Go take up residence somewhere else. Just not with anyone that I care about!! Oh, wait. I should just take some vitamins, huh? Golly gee whiz, Tom. You're a lifesaver!

As a side note, I'm really enjoying the blogosphere. My list of 'must-reads' grows every day. I really must get Lisa's help creating some links, so you all can become addicted to the same crap I am.

Moo.

2005-07-15T12:16:00.000-07:00

So, I think my breast pump and I are finally developing a certain comfort level in our relationship. In the beginning, it was like one of those drunken one night stands, where you wake up the next morning next to someone you don’t really know and are trying desperately to remember his name and , oh dear god, did I really do that? You ignore the rug burns on your knees and back (and forehead? WTF?), pretend you aren’t walking bowlegged, and bid adieu to the rumpled stranger still asleep in the bed. Now, breast pump and I are much more comfortable. We’re at that point where you gain 10-15 (50!) pounds, fart in front of each other, and for those of us who aren’t totally obsessive and anal (he-he!) about their bowel movements, leave the door open while they poop. Ah… It’s nice to be committed, isn’t it?

Late night musings...

2005-07-14T21:51:00.000-07:00

First off, how cute is this child? Come on... It's enough to make you want another baby, huh, Lisa?? ;o)

BUT, she is a horrible sleeper. Horrible. I am exhausted. However, I have learned one thing from the last 4.5 months. I am DONE HAVING BABIES!!!!!!!!!! LOL! Unless a major oops gets by my IUD, that is. I know you're thinking, when she's a little older, you'll forget this stage and want another one. If those words ever come out of my mouth, please SHOOT ME, and THEN remind me of how exhausted and hormonal I am. STILL, after 4.5 months. I cannot imagine having to do this AGAIN. With TWO to chase after. I have no clue how you people (with more than two) DO IT. For that matter, I have no clue how you people WITH two do it so well! I'm working on it, but, shit, this is HARD WORK.

Oh. I finally heard from the Early Intervention people about Boy. I'm relieved to have everything scheduled. Relieved that I'll have some answers soon. A little scared, but not totally terrified like I was a few weeks ago. Whatever the outcome, we'll be fine. He will always be just as funny, as sweet, as gorgeous and as FUN as he was the day before we get a diagnosis, you know? Oh, I know. It's probably a simple speech delay, and nothing else. Having someone who KNOWS tell me that will be fabulous. But, there's always a possibility. I just have this feeling that there is something else a little bit off. Maybe I'm making it up. I don't know. We'll know by July 27th. Funny. I'm really at peace with it right now. Notice, I said right NOW. Ask me in 5 minutes.

How is it that a mother can be so entranced by the beauty of her children? I mean, other babies are cute, some even really cute. But none of them come even close to my babies. You know? I read a quote once... "There is one beautiful child in the world. And, every mother has it." I thought that was so dead on. Honestly, I could stare at my children's face for hours on end. If they would sit still that is... and not need their asses wiped or scream for a cookie or beg for the Incredibles, AGAIN.

*Quick tangent:

Can I even tell you how many times I have seen The Incredibles over the last month or so?? DEAR GOD. I can't even begin to estimate a number. Don't get me wrong, it's a good movie. The first 200 TIMES!

*Tangent over.

I swear that I have never seen a more beautiful, perfectly formed face than Boy's. Equal only to Girl's. Stare. For. Hours.

I'm sure you other mommies can relate, right? It must be a biological thing. To feel this way about our babies. Otherwise, why would we put up with the shit we do? And, I mean shit. Literally.

Answer me this. Why would you want to struggle and fight against someone who is trying to remove the smashed and foul-smelling contents of your bowels from the crack of your ass? Wouldn't you be grateful? Wouldn't you sigh with relief to have that vileness removed from your skin? A fresh diaper... Ahhhh... So nice. Thank you, mother. That was a particularly putrid pile of feces crammed into my ass-crack. I appreciate the removal of said pile.

Also, what is it about the Y chromosome that requires that most men (notice I am only making a broad general statement here. Not an all-encompassing one. Go me.) completely ignore anything that would inconvenience them in the slightest? Really. Just ONE small gesture that says "I was thinking of your mental health and overall well-being today, honey" would be AMAZING. AND, it would probably get you that blow-job you've been asking for.

Odds and Ends...

2005-06-30T09:50:00.000-07:00

1) Boy had a speech therapy (ST) appt. on Monday. It was with the Kaiser ST, and they don’t do ongoing services, but I think it was more of an assessment. Anyway, she said that she doesn’t think he has anything but a speech delay. That was a HUGE relief, what with all the fears I’ve been carrying around about possible PDD. However, I still have the assessments through the county and the local regional center to get through. If they give us a clean bill, that would be wonderful!! Of course, I hope he’ll qualify for some ST services. I’d really rather not have to pay out of pocket, you know? Anyway, that was nice to hear.

2) Girl had her 4 month appt. on Tuesday. She was 17 lbs and 26.5 inches! 95th percentile for both! The ped. Said that she looked great! She also got another round of shots… : o( But, she hasn’t reacted to them this time, like she did the last time, which is nice. I have to say, though, I was really hoping she wouldn't be as big as her brother. I’m 5’ 11”, and dating was hard enough on me. I sure hope the poor thing doesn’t end up any taller than I am!!!! That was one of the reasons I kinda wanted a boy! LOL! Oh well. I will try my best to ensure that she’s never ashamed of her height. :o) I never felt that way, so I hope I can convey the same thing to her!

3) I finally made the call. Most of you that have been reading this somewhat regularly will probably say, “it’s about damn time you realized this and did something about it! We’ve known for months!” I called my ob to discuss possibly getting some meds for ppd. I don’t really want to take meds for this, but I am having a really tough time. Honestly? I think two or three nights of uninterrupted sleep, and several hours alone would do the trick. However, the likelihood of that happening is nil. I just don’t feel good, I hate the way I get with the kids when I’m frustrated. Hate it. I scare myself sometimes. I am feeling totally and completely overwhelmed. It doesn’t help that I am always alone with the kids. Hubs and I work opposite shifts. Works out great in that we don’t have to pay for daycare, but sucks, because we’re always alone with the kids. And, yes, I know it will get easier. I’ve always said, that if we can make it through 2005, sanity and family intact, we’ll be golden! LOL! However, I think I need something to help me through. I also wonder if the worst of this didn’t start after I had the Mirena IUD put in. It has some low dose of hormones, that really isn’t supposed to get into the bloodstream, but the nurse I talked to yesterday said that the insert said it could cause mood swings as a side effect. That tells me that it possibly could be the issue. However, it always took my body a few months to adjust to a new birth control pill, so hopefully, that’s the case. Either way, if I go on the meds, I won’t be on them for long. Unless, I discover a whole new person on them! LOL!

4) Hubs and I are starting a Weight Loss Challenge tomorrow! Starting July 1st, we are going to try to lose 25 lbs. In three months. I know it’s a bit of a lofty goal, but we’ll see! I sure hope we can do this. I am really unhappy with myself these days. I hate carrying this much extra weight around! I feel SOOO huge. Anyway, if we make it, we’re going to treat ourselves to something nice. Don’t know what yet! LOL!

I think this is it for now….. :o)

One of these days, I’m going to have to figure out how to post a picture on this thing. :o)

A tiny, perfect little ear...

2005-06-26T20:10:00.000-07:00

I was rocking Girl to sleep this afternoon, and I happened to notice her beautiful little ear. I know this sounds weird, but just go with me for a bit, mm-k? Her perfect, tiny, pink little seashell of an ear. You know what amazes me? These kids are formed from a brief 'interlude'. Two single cells. And, you get an entire human being. A completely unique, individual person. TWO SINGLE CELLS. Two singles divide into enough cells to make a person. Each cell knows just where to go, knows exactly what it's going to become. When you think about this, how many hundreds of millions of things could go wrong if just ONE cell went the wrong way, you know? All that dividing and migrating, growing and changing, and you get a tiny, perfect little person. With the most beautiful dimpled hands, tiny slender fingers with an itty-bitty fingernail. Sweet little toes, knees, chubby thighs, round belly, GORGEOUS face, and tiny, perfect little ears.

I mean, I know alot of people don't see it as a 'miracle' by definition, but, if two single cells creating a complex, highly functioning human being isn't a miraculous event, I don't know what is.

And, to top it all off, it amazes me that mothers are given such an enormous capacity to love these little creatures. NEVER in my life could I imagine that I would have ever loved something so much.

Incredible, these babies are. Amazing, we mommies are. One smile, one grasp of our finger, one hug, one kiss, one unexpected moment of affection, makes all of it, everything we put up with, organize, clean, put together and put away, worth it.

It's simply miraculous.

2005-06-25T17:28:00.000-07:00

What part of "OW!" does a 2 year old NOT understand??? Sigh. Off to sulk. That is, until Boy decides that his trucks desperately need to be firmly crashed into some part of my anatomy...

I swear...

2005-06-25T17:27:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I think I am going to lose my FUCKING MIND!!! These kids are driving me absolutely insane and there's nothing anyone can do about it. ARRRGGGHHHHH!!!!!!!!

These kids grow up SO fast!

2005-06-22T11:12:00.000-07:00

Girl has had such a busy week!!

In the last 7 days she has: gotten two teeth, laughed for the first time, blown raspberries for the first time, and today, she rolled over for the first time! YAY!

So many firsts for her, and so many lasts for me. Before having her, we were kinda considering the possibility of having three. Not anymore! LOL! So, while it's wonderful that she's doing so well (and so much!), there's an air of bittersweetness about it. My last baby... Aw, hell. Who am I kidding? I am SO ready for her to be out of this lumpy stage, and to be done with it! LOL! Don't get me wrong, I adore this child, but I am not a real fan of this stage. I like 6 months and on, much better. However, I am still trying to enjoy this as much as I can, since it will be the last time. She's almost 4 months old now! Yowza! And, she's a biggun! LOL! I'll post her 4 month stats next week...

On a side note, I think I may have started my period a few days ago. WTF?? NOT happy about that. I didn't get af until I deliberately started weaning Boy (so we could start ttc again!), and since I'm still ebf, I guess I expected it to be the same! Although, I can't be entirely sure. I got the Mirena IUD put in about a month and a half ago. I've been spotting ever since. But, this was different than my usual spotting. So, either af is here, or I'm spotting much more heavily. I figured I'd wait it out to see where it goes. I'm not in any pain or anything, which is why the dr. has not been called. We'll see!

Ummm... Work is boring me to tears. I was really productive my first week or two, but now? Um. Not so much. Whatever. LOL!

I don't think there is much else to report!

Hasta!

Sigh...

2005-06-18T19:14:00.000-07:00

How come it seems that everyone else does such a better job at two kids, than I do? The mommies on the bb with a new one and their junebug all sound so blissfully happy, content and together. I feel like a total and complete mess. I'm not all that happy right now. Although I am so grateful for all of the blessings I've been bestowed. I never forget that. However, this just plain sucks. Maybe I'm one of those mommies that were only meant to have one baby?

Today was LOUSY. Both kids screamed all afternoon. Girl took a total of 3 hours of nap today. NOT ENOUGH. Boy has been Cranky Shitterson for the last few afternoons. So, it's 2-ish. I couldn't get Girl to sleep, so she was hanging out on the sofa, screaming. Boy decides to wake up, and he's only up for a few minutes before I go in there. When I go in, I smell poop. Ok, diaper change, right? Um, no. He had reached back in there, and there were smears of poop all over his clothes, his sheets, his lovies, his hands. Thankfully, it was a relatively firm poop, so it was just smears and not chunks, but still. Mind you, Girl is screaming her little lungs out in the family room throughout this entire event. I close his bedroom door, because I can just see him taking off to see her, and touching her with his poopy hands! EW! Anyway, strip him, change him, strip the bed, put a load of wash in, and THEN go get Girl. I HAD to go to the mall today, to get cinnamon rolls for Father's Day breakfast tomorrow. I will NEVER go to the mall alone, with both kids, on a weekend EVER AGAIN. So, I get the cinnamon rolls, and I hit Children's Place, and find some great deals. Well, my card won't go through. How embarrassing!!! It's happened several times over the last few months. I need to call the bank to find out what's wrong. I hate feeling like the clerk thinks I'm a loser, you know? Anyway, I get home, Girl is totally tired, so she screams if I'm not holding her. Joy. I make Boy's dinner (she screams), I clean him up (she screams). So, I decide to take a walk to kill time until bedtime. She is usually pretty happy in the stroller, even when super tired. So, we walk. Thank heavens it was a beautiful evening.

We get home, get Girl ready for bed, put her in her crib while I get Boy ready for bed. Come back to her room and she's already asleep, poor thing.

So here I am. Trying to figure out what in the hell is going on with my children. I think they are in cahoots. It's a plan. They want to see how long it takes for me to comletely insane. Honestly? I'm not too far from it now. I swear, sometimes I think that I absolutely cannot handle this. Again, I say, why is it so much harder for me, than for other people? What am I doing wrong?

Sigh... I think I need a beer.

Oh shit! I just realized that I haven't fed Girl since 6-ish!!!! Oh well. She'll wake up when she's hungry.

On a positive note, *knock on wood*, she's very close to sleeping flat again! I'm doing a slow transition. She was in her carseat at night for 7 weeks. Then, I propped one end of her mattress with a large pillow for 8 days. Then switched to a smaller pillow, where she's at now. She's gotten her first tooth, and laughed for the first time!

Oh, there she is... gotta go.

So...

2005-06-16T21:33:00.000-07:00

I've finally started the ball rolling on getting Boy some type of evaluation for his speech delay. I've been hesitant to say much to anyone, because I am absolutely terrified of the outcome. I have it working from both ends right now. My ped. referred us to a speech therapist through Kaiser, and I'm waiting for a call from SCOE and Alta Regional Center to schedule an assessment through them. I go from thinking that there is nothing wrong at all (except delayed speech), to crying my eyes out, thinking that there might be something more wrong with my sweet, perfect little guy.

I've done some research. Not too much, mind you, no need to scare myself any further than I already am. If he does have any sort of PDD (pervasive developmental disorder), it definitely is mild, because he is meeting just about all of the milestones, except for speech. My ped thinks it's just delayed speech. Which is nice to know. But, when I see him around other children his age, he just seems different. Not quite so person-ish, if that makes any sense at all? The other little ones are like little kids. He is like, well... it's hard to put a finger on it. He plays a little differently and he's a bit of a bully. I dunno. Perhaps I'm looking for things that aren't there. Just this not knowing and waiting SUCKS ASS.

I mean, of course we'll deal with whatever the outcome. And no matter what happens, he'll always be my sweet, perfect little man. But, I have so many hopes and dreams for his future. Him having an ASD (autism spectrum disorder) was not a part of them.

I guess, either way, we'll know within the next month or so. Thankfully, there are laws that get us assessed within 45 days of the referral. I have to admit, though, I'm carrying ALOT of stress about this.

Hug your little ones. Thank God that they are healthy and yours.

ACK!

2005-06-16T20:14:00.000-07:00

Someone please remind me why I wanted kids again?? LOL!

It took 8 weeks this time...

2005-04-25T21:22:00.000-07:00

to have my first breakdown. With Boy, I'd had about 2 by this time. ;o) However, it's kinda hard to take a breakdown seriously when your toddler is laughing gleefully at the sobbing sounds you are making while holding him... I guess since he hasn't really heard it before, he thought it was funny... Sigh. I truly was at the end of my rope. I mean, I could actually feel the threads that were holding my sanity. Is that weird? Those threads were actually tangible at that moment. I could have let them go, if I wanted to. Just lost it entirely. Ended up huddled in the fetal position, humming tunes, while everything fell apart around my ears. Sometimes that sounds really nice... However, I would never let those threads go. Too responsible, I guess.

Anyway, I had a beer. Relaxed me enough to make it through the rest of the day. Ah, sweet alcoholic nectar! LOL!

I just realized that to those that read this, that don't talk to me on a fairly regular basis, you probably think I'm depressed and miserable all the time. Sorry if I've come off that way. I'm not, really! I just tend to feel the need to blog when I'm having difficulties... you know?

It HAS been an interesting few weeks. After all the sicknesses, Boy came down with a fever after about a week on the antibiotics for his EI. So, we go back to the dr. on Weds. The EI hasn't recurred, it must be viral... joy. So, Thursday morning, we notice little red spots all over his belly. By Thurs. afternoon, they have spread to his entire body. UGH. We think about it, and realize that he had his chicken pox vacc about a week and a half prior. So, we call the dr. And, drop everything to take him in again, second day in a row. The doc doesn't think it's the pox, just a viral rash. Friday a.m. the rash is HORRIBLE. His poor little face is bright, bright red, hot to the touch, and just looks awful. His rest of his little body is spotted, mottled and blotchy. He still has a bit of a fever so I give him some of the Children's Advil that I had purchased at the dr.'s office on Weds. I think that his rash almost looks like dermatitis. So, we start trying to figure out what's new in his routine. DAMN ADVIL!! Well, he's had Motrin before, but not Advil... We wondered if he could be having an allergic reaction to one of the non-active ingredients?? Sigh. Call Kaiser AGAIN, just to check on what to look for if it is an allergic reaction. Hubs heads out to get Benadryl, and we start that Friday afternoon. Saturday, we had a garage sale at my mom's, so I didn't get to see Boy until about 4pm that day. When I picked him up, his face was BEAUTIFUL! Sigh... I was so happy to see that he was getting better. However, since it took a little while to clear, we still don't know if it was viral or allergic. Oh well. I'm just thrilled that he's better! OH, and we made $207 at the garage sale! WAHOO!!!

Girl is almost two months old now! OMG. Where DOES the time go??? I can't believe it. Now, if I could just get the child to sleep during the day! LOL! Although, when she doesn't sleep during the day, she generally gives me a long stretch at night. Should I just let her drift in and out all day, for a long stretch at night? If I didn't know what I do about sleep, I'd be all over it, but I know she needs to nap during the day... Hopefully, she'll regulate soon!

Anyway, I am generally in pretty good spirits these days... I miss all my work folks!!! And, Amy, my work e-mail buddy! I hope all is well gang...

Casey, you are such a doll for sending me Cambria's clothes. Can I just say that I ADORE that little Polo workout suit??? She wore it Saturday!!! LOL!

Night!

Guilt, guilt and more guilt...

2005-04-20T21:27:00.000-07:00

Sigh...

1) Guilt because Boy is sick, and I can't give him the cuddles I'd like to because Girl doesn't want to sleep during the day anymore.

2) Guilt because in general, Boy doesn't get as much fun or lovey mommy time.

3) Guilt because Girl gets held WAY less than her brother did...

4) Guilt because Girl ends up fussing because she's put down, so she cries alone more than her brother did.

5) Guilt because I am SO touched out by the end of the day, I want nothing to do with my husband.

6) Guilt because I am so tired and otherwise occupied, that I'm hard pressed to locate where I put the romantic feelings that I used to have for my husband.

7) Guilt because I am not keeping in touch with my friends the way that I used to.

8) Guilt because I don't get out to visit with friends as much as I used to.

9) Guilt because I don't get the chance to respond to e-mails or post on my bb anywhere near as often as I want to.

10) Guilt because there is SO much that I need to do around here, and I can't seem to get anything accomplished...

There was this Saturn commercial that was making the rotations a month or so ago. It's a mother and her toddler and she was talking about how he was 13 days late, and how "you spend your entire life putting yourself first, and then, all of a sudden, you are second." Um. What world does she live in??? Second??? Yeah, right. I haven't even been ON my priority list in YEARS. Was I ever??? Maybe as a little girl, but I'm not even sure about that... I mean, it's not like I don't feel like I'm important on some level, but, I'm definitely NOT second. I thought that commercial was pretty darn funny...

Oh. 11) Guilty because I haven't gotten my thank you notes from my baby shower (held in late January), or for any of the 'new baby' gifts done.

At least I got my birth announcements out. That's something. And, my kids are fed, relatively clean, and relatively healthy. (Damn this head cold that has hit all four of us.) Our bills are paid. (Which is saying something right now!) My husband, while not 'physically' satisfied, is happy. And, my pets are alive.

I guess all told, we're doing ok... I should get used to the guilt though, huh? I fully expect to be feeling it on some level for the rest of my life...

~Nikky

Miracles DO happen!

2005-04-14T21:13:00.000-07:00

Both kids are asleep and Hubs is at work... I haven't been this alone in 6 weeks! LOL!

Sorry that I've been MIA, gang. It's been a busy couple of weeks around here.

Boy got a head cold about a week and a half ago. Then Hubs got it. Then me. And, yes, you guessed. Then Girl. So, my five week old has a cold. And, what do you do for a 5 week old with a cold? NADA. Well, suction as successfully as you can, and use a vaporizer. Sigh... Everyone is pretty much over it now, except Girl, of course. Thankfully, she is still eating well, but her sleep is really affected by it. I'm looking forward to the day that she isn't congested anymore!

Boy had his two year appt. on Weds. Talk about timing! The ped. said that he was at the beginning of an ear infection... His very first. So, his very first dose of antibiotics was administered on Weds. Thankfully, he hasn't seemed too bothered by it.

Girl is still colicky. The silver lining is that it's the same time every day, and it's usually right as Boy is going to bed. Makes it a bit easier to deal with when he is contained. And, it's also NOTHING compared to how difficult Boy was at this age... I try to keep perspective on things, and remember how lucky I am that they are both healthy, but at this rate, we will NOT be having anymore!

Let's see, what else is going on? Had my 6 week post partum appt. Everything is fine! I have an appt. to get the Mirena IUD put in on May 10. Hoping for as positive an experience with it as many of you have had!

Hubs went back to work yesterday. It was soooooo wonderful having him home for 6 weeks!!! However, I was terrified to do the two kid thing alone. So far, it's been ok. I've got two days down. Only 50 katrillion to go! LOL!

Boy is doing well. The tantrums are SO tiring sometimes, but I know it comes with the territory. He still only has the one word, but has had a 'gesture explosion' in recent weeks. He really is SUCH a crack-up!!! He'll cover his ears when we tell him no, he shows us his 'muscles', does the Home Alone hands on the cheeks gesture as 'uh-oh' or 'oh-no', and stuff like that!

I'm doing well, too. Have had some baby blues, and some guilt over feelings of delayed bonding with Girl. Think they're resolving, but I have decided that the newborn stage is definitely NOT my favorite...

Well, I think that's everything! Sorry for the book, but it's been a while since I've even turned the darn computer on!! I'll try to get around more, but honestly? If both kids are sleeping? As much as I love you all, you come second to sleep! LOL! Which is where I'm going now!!!! ;o)

Love you!

~Nikky

Wednesday, March 16th, 2005

2005-03-16T16:39:00.000-08:00

So, it feels so weird to not be pregnant anymore. I guess I just feel like I was pregnant forever, you know? Especially since I started showing so early...

Anyway, we're all doing well! Girl is the polar opposite of her brother at this age. It's actually kinda nice not to have 6 hour screaming jags on a daily basis! LOL! She's nursing MUCH better, which is nice. I was pretty concerned there for a while that the nursing thing wasn't going to work out, and that would have been terribly disappointing... She sleeps like a typical newborn. Mostly 3-4 hours stretches. Here and there she'll go for 5-6, but that's not typical... She's a doll-baby, though. I am having such fun dressing her up! LOL!

Boy is doing ok. He's having a rough couple of weeks, though. He loves Girl. He is just taking it out on us... LOL! LOTS of tantrums. More than usual. Constant. Every half hour or so... Sigh. It's getting old really fast. We're trying to make sure to give him individual attention, and lots of love and cuddles, but he's still making sure we know that he's not too happy with this turn of events! LOL! Although, if this is how he acts when he's not the center of attention, I am SOOO glad we had another one before he goes to school!!! LOL! I can't imagine him acting like this in school!

Anyway, we're all doing pretty well!!

~Nikky

Sunday, March 6, 2005

2005-03-06T20:27:00.000-08:00

So as you all know, we were scheduled for a c-section at 10am on Monday. Well, we got bumped twice by other emergencies. So, 3:30 rolls around and they tell us they are finally ready. However, while we had been waiting, I'd been having regular contrax, about 5 minutes apart. I didn't think much of it, because I'd had those before and they usually just petered out. So, the dr. and I had a chat, and he told me we could 'augment' the contractions with pitocin. He explained the difference between INDUCING a vbac and AUGMENTING a vbac! He also checked me and told me I was 4 cm. and 90% effaced. Anyway, hubs wasn't too keen on it, since we'd already been waiting for 7 hours, but I just couldn't bring myself to have a c-section, when I had the opportunity to have a vbac, you know? He got a bit grumpy, but came around after a quick trip home for a shower and some non-cafeteria food. Anyway, they started the pitocin at 4pm. The contrax changed immediately, became hard and fast. Went to 1.5 to 2 minutes apart pretty quickly. I made it to about 5:45 before I asked for the epidural. The epidural came at 6pm, and I immediately fell in love with my anesthesiologist! LOL! Anyway, so hubs, my mom and I played some cards, chatted and hung out. At 7pm, they came in to check me. I was 7 cm., 100% effaced. The dr. broke my water and put in the fetal and uterine monitors. So, we hung out some more. (Still adoring my epidural) At about 8:15, the nurse came in to put in my catheter, and then check me. She told me I was 9 and 3/4!!! She came back 15 minutes later and I was complete! She had me to a 'test' push (not really in position, just checking to see how she was coming). She seemed surprised, got my dr. and we decided to do another 'test' push while in position. We did that, and at that point, she said we'd better get you to the delivery room!! LOL! So, they rolled me down the hall, while I had a bowling ball hanging out down there! LOL! The epi was perfect though... I could feel pressure, but no pain at all. It was great!

Anway, in the delivery room, they got me all prepped, told me to start pushing. I pushed 4 times, through one contraction, and THERE SHE WAS!!! Yep. You heard me. I think it was about 1 minute of pushing?? If that... ;o) Everyone was SO surprised!!! I couldn't believe it myself. She slid right out!!! Hee-hee!

Anyway, she was perfect and beautiful and the spitting image of her big brother when he was a newborn...

I did have a second degree tear, but it hasn't been too bad. A million times better than a c-section incision!!!

My recovery has been wonderful. Amazing. Incredible. I felt like I could run a marathon while in recovery! Except for the not being able to move my legs part! LOL!

Hubs has even told me that I was right, and I made the right decision in the vbac, even though he didn't want me to at the time!!! That was SO nice to hear!!

And the topper to all of it? Made all of it even MORE worthwhile? When Boy came to visit me in the hospital? I was able to pick him right up and hug the bejesus out of him!!

All in all, great dr's, great vbac and beautiful baby girl! What more could someone ask for????? :o)

She has arrived!

2005-03-05T12:01:00.000-08:00

Our new baby Girl arrived on Monday, February 28th at 8:43pm. (NOT by c-section, either!!!)

She weighed in at 9lbs, 0oz., and was 20.5 inches long.

We are all doing well! I'll post more later...

~Nikky

Sunday, February 27th, 2005--

2005-02-27T20:33:00.000-08:00

Tomorrow is the big day. I am nervous, scared, and excited, all at the same time. Scared of the surgery a bit, scared to death of having a newborn again, and, of course, excited to meet this little girl.

Hoping for a smooth surgery, no complications, and a healthy baby.

I may not be able to update the blog again for a while... please bear with if I can't get here much. You all know how to reach me...

Wish me luck!!

~Nikky

Saturday, February 26th, 2005--

2005-02-26T19:17:00.000-08:00

One sentence to describe my afternoon... You've got to be fucking kidding me!

I have been a depressed, weepy, wallowing in self-pity kind of place all day to begin with. Exhausted, etc. Nothing new. I think it must be hormones, but still.

So, Boy has had the world's worst diaper rash for a week now. Just when we think we MIGHT have it under control, he does a stealth poop. Which means, we don't hear it, smell it or become aware of it for who knows how long. This, of course, is VERY bad when one is battling diaper rash. So, it's ugly and awful and horrible. And, I feel terrible every time I change his diaper because he cries and cries. So, apparently, this afternoon, he had ANOTHER stealth poop. I have no clue how long he sat in it this time. His poor little bottom and scrotum are swollen and horrible and red. So, we get home from the grocery, (yes, I HAD to go, we need to eat!), and I take his diaper off, clean him up and we go sit down, diaperless. I am hoping some more air time will help. (he's been diaperless for hours at a time the last few days...) So, we're cuddling on the chair, and the kid doesn't budge off my lap for an HOUR. I'm thinking, wow, this must really hurt him. He NEVER does this. I get up to pee and to think about making him dinner and he freaks. Doesn't even move off the chair, although he does pee all over it. Nice. So, I pick him up, make dinner one-handed, and sit back down with him (sofa this time). I get him to eat, but it's THEN I realize that he's pretty darn warm... So, I take his temp. YEP. 100.2. Now that's not THAT high, but we're still at the beginnings... Anyway, I do the mommy thing, medicine, (yes, I finally put a diaper on him), water, ceiling fan, more cuddles, etc. At 6:45 he finally gets off my lap of his own accord (this is after an hour and 45 minutes of straight cuddling), but then it's bedtime. So, he's in bed now, not asleep yet, but not crying, so we'll see how things go.

Of course, now I'm thinking FUCK. I am having a fucking baby in TWO DAYS. This is the shittiest timing EVER. I don't know whether I should try to reschedule the c-section or send a sick baby to grandma and grandpa's... I mean, he's going to be a crank if he's sick, and when he's sick, he generally is NOT happy with anyone but mommy. crap, crap, crap, crap. Maybe this is a fluke thing and he'll be fine when he wakes up? Yeah, right... I guess only time will tell, but I can guarantee you ONE thing. There is no way in HELL Mike is going to work tomorrow. I cannot do this again. I am too fucking pregnant and too fucking tired and too overwhelmed.

Of course, the other dilemma I'm dealing with is my idiot IL's insistence that they keep Boy our first night home. YES. I remember how difficult the first night home with Boy was. Does that mean that the second night home is going to be less difficult? No. Yes, it's going to be a difficult adjustment. Does that mean we'll adjust in one night? Hell, no. I thought hubs and I had discussed this. I thought I had already TOLD them I didn't want that. Sometimes they drive me bananas. I mean, they have good intentions and all, but still. Of course, I also find out that Hub's step-mom (of the above IL's) TOLD him she would be coming over the next morning to help. Not that we probably won't need the help, but maybe make the offer and let us decide??? Hmm??? I mean, Oh shit. I dunno... Tonight is NOT A GOOD NIGHT.

I think I need to go cry in a quart of ice cream. Maybe that will make me feel better.

~Nikky

Thursday, February 24, 2005

2005-02-24T20:28:00.000-08:00

AUGH. I swear, Hubs is just about to be FIRED. I swear, that man hasn't lifted a finger around this house in almost two weeks. I mean, he has helped with Boy a bit in the mornings, and he's run errands with me, when I know he didn't really want to, but that's about it. Dumps his dishes on the counter, can't even run the dishwasher for me. Can't even spend the five minutes it would take to straighten up the family room. I told him this morning that I was feeling really taken advantage of. I mean, I know I'm not working right now, and he is. But, I'm also 39.5 weeks pregnant here. I mean, come on! So, he apologized, said he didn't want me to feel that way, but did he do ANYTHING? Nope. Even forgot to take the garbage cans down to the street before he left for work. Too busy watching tv on the sofa, I guess. Tough life. So, my pregnant ass was out there tonight, dragging those cans down to the street, so that he doesn't have to go banging around when he gets home at 11pm, and waking up Boy, since the cans are right outside his window. Asshole. I am REALLY pissed off at him right now. I just spend the last hour straightening up the family room, taking out the garbage and cleaning up the disaster that has become our kitchen. I have NO clue what is going on in his head, but if he doesn't watch it, he's in for it big time! I am SO freaking tired, and god forbid he lifts a damn finger! I've also been letting him sleep in every morning. I thought it was pretty damn nice of me. I don't have to, either. So, he's taken to coming to bed at 1 or 2 in the morning!!!!!!!! I told him that was part of me feeling taken advantage of, as well. Since I've been on maternity leave, he's gotten up and let me sleep in ONCE. GAWD. What a man!!!!

Sigh... Ok, enough. He is definitely not on my good side right now, but otherwise, I had a decent enough day! 4 days left! Took little man to the park again today! Loving being able to get out of the house, at least for a bit. Did a quick Target trip, got my granny panties (for after the c-section) and more Tums, because I am almost out and I would NOT be able to sleep without them! (the joys of pregnancy....)

Anyway, I am totally and utterly convinced I'll be having a c-section delivery on the 28th. This little girl does not seem to be wanting to come out! LOL! I know, I know... anything can happen over the next 3.5 days, but, who knows.

I think I am going to make myself a pan of brownies, and hubs doesn't get ANY! LOL! I wonder if I can get in for a pedicure tomorrow morning?? I think I'll call in the morning...

Nighty!

~Nikky

Wednesday, February 23rd, 2005--

2005-02-23T20:09:00.000-08:00

5 days... I am becoming increasingly convinced that this little girl is not going to come out on her own. I feel like I've been pregnant forever. I'm still scared of having to take care of both kids, but I am SO ready to have this baby! LOL!

Took Boy to the park today, though! It was so nice to get him out of the house. It's been raining for weeks! And, the last time that it was nice out, we were all puking our guts out... He had a great time! Eating sand, sticks, etc, as usual! LOL! I swear, I don't know what is up with that kid and non-food items. And, we've had his iron levels checked... He's fine! LOL!

Anyway, I'm exhausted tonight. Going to sign off and head to bed early, I think.

Send me labor vibes! (Although, I'm officially in another 'terrified' phase re: vaginal delivery. Oh well. Doesn't look like she's coming on her own, anyway, right???)

~Nikky

Tuesday, February 22, 2005

2005-02-22T22:35:00.000-08:00

I am SOOOO ready to not be pregnant anymore!! WHY WON'T SHE COME OUT??????

Sigh... Had a nice day today, though. Visited with some friends, then went to scrapbooking tonight. I am SOOO behind on my scrapbooking that it's insane. Boy is 20 months now, right? Well, in his scrapbook? He's still in the hospital!!!!! And, now? I have to start ANOTHER one. ACK! Deep breaths.... I need to keep my priorities straight! LOL!

Anyway, got the Durango all cleaned out and washed today. SO nice to have a clean car!

That's all. Still losing my mucous plug bit by bit. Still having contractions, but nothing regular enough to be significant.

She has SIX days...

~Nikky

Monday, February 21st, 2005

2005-02-21T22:28:00.000-08:00

Nothing new to report. Same-o, same-o. BABY COME OUT!

~Nikky

Saturday, February 19th, 2005

2005-02-19T20:01:00.000-08:00

What I would like to know is what is it about men that they think the "dish fairy" comes when they aren't looking and cleans up the kitchen. I mean, REALLY. I am enormously pregnant, exhausted, and chasing Boy daily. Hubs sits here all morning, reads the paper leisurely, watches tv, plays on the computer, then gets read and leaves for work. Why, oh, why, is he physically unable to empty the dishwasher??? Maybe he actually has a physical ailment that prevents him from emptying it? Maybe a dr. appt. is in order, just to rule it out. Sigh... What I hate, though, is that he just ignores it. It's like he knows that if he ignores it long enough, I'll get fed up and do it. Which is true. But, it pisses me off! Then, I take care of it while Boy is eating or something, and I stew about it the whole time, and then the poor little guy gets mad mommy, when he didn't do anything to deserve it, you know? Generally, hubs is pretty good about helping out with things, but lately? Um. Not so much. It must be because I'm off work. But, I mean, it's not like I'm carrying a freaking HUMAN BEING inside of me or anything. I must have unlimited levels of energy, right? Sigh... I suppose I should let it go. No need to stress over something unnecessary, I guess. You can bet your ass he'll hear about it tomorrow, though! LMAO!

Had a pretty productive day, though. Went out in the POURING rain (UGH) to check out a bookcase for Girl's room. A little more than I wanted to spend, but not bad at all. However, I wanted to chat with hubs first, so I put it on hold. We could have it by Friday. I was kinda hoping to bring it home today, actually. BUT, we'll see. I also brought in the swing, bouncy chair and carseat from the garage and washed all the fabric parts of those. They've been sitting in the garage for a few months. Boy is completely transfixed with the swing, though! LOL! Couldn't keep himself from pushing buttons, etc. Should prove to be interesting when there is an actual baby in it! LOL!

He's not been sleeping enough these days. I don't know why? Maybe his second year molars are bothering him again. Poor guy. He's been waking up at 6-6:30 lately. Which is early for him! Makes for a long day. Although he did nap for almost two hours today! He is SO cute with his new haircut, though! It's almost like a little crew cut! tee-hee! The lady did such a good job, though, especially through his tantrum. I wonder if $4 was enough of a tip? I almost want to go back and throw a few more dollars at her! LOL! Should I make her dance for it too?? LMAO! Just kidding!!!! Really, though, he is such a doll!!

I'm still losing my mucous plug in bits and pieces. With Boy, I lost it in pieces, but it was all in one day, and then my water broke. It's been two days of losing it now... I've had some contractions today, but still nothing regular. I sure hope something happens soon! I'm sleeping TERRIBLY at this point. I've got diarrhea, which sucks, and I generally feel crappy! I am READY for this baby! LOL! I think I'm nesting too.. Sitting here thinking about what a mess the fridge and cabinets are is making me nuts!! LOL! I think I'm going to go do some straightening... I figure the more active I am, the better to bring on labor, right?? ;o)

Later!

~Nikky

Friday, February 18, 2005

2005-02-18T21:57:00.000-08:00

She officially has 10 days to come on her own. Then we take her. This morning, I scheduled a c-section for February 28th at 10am. I am of two minds at this point. First off, I have gotten myself officially terrified of both methods of delivery... Don't I have a third option?? LOL! I really want to try for a vbac, but I don't want to go too far overdue, with my history of big babies, and I don't want to spend all of my leave time pregnant, you know? I have to return to work on June 1. There isn't any real flexibility there. Sigh... I was a basketcase after I got off the phone with my dr. today, though. I really hope she decides to come before the 28th though. I really want the easier recovery time of a vbac. Although, I suppose a healthy baby is the main goal, right? I should really keep that in mind.

I told her last night, though, that I was ready when she was. I finally am feeling ready for her to arrive. I have just about everything done, and my bag is almost packed. I'm finally feeling emotionally ready too. I think that's probably a bigger hurdle than the 'stuff' I needed to get done...

I've actually been having contractions all evening. It's probably nothing though. I lost a bit of my mucous plug last night. Haven't lost much more since though. With Boy, it came out in bits and pieces, so I was expecting to see more, but I haven't. Who knows what's happening, though. We'll just have to see. The real kicker will be if I can sleep tonight! LOL! That's when you know your contrax are real. If you can fall asleep...

We got Boy's hair cut today, though! We've done it a number of times, he's always been fine with it. Not today. Threw an enormous fit!!!! Mike held him and we ended up going shorter than we usually do, in the essence of time. He looks SO cute, but SO grown up!!! :o( My big boy. He is growing up so fast. It is both wonderful and heart-breaking to see. I love that little guy so much. He is watching way too much tv these days, though. It's been super rainy and with my pg ass way too big to crawl around on the floor with him, he's been watching too much. Is it bad when your toddler hugs the tv?? LOL! I think the hug may have been for Barney, but sheesh. Thankfully, he hugs me more than he hugs the tv, so I suppose I'm ok! LOL! He still isn't talking at all. I wonder if he'll be talking by the time he gets to kindergarten??? Well, at least we won't get bad marks in citizenship! LOL!

Anyway, not much else happening here, except baby-waiting. I'll keep posting until the baby comes! :o)

~Nikky

Sunday, February 13, 2005

2005-02-13T21:10:00.000-08:00

Well, I think I'm finally ready. After our illness, the IL's took Boy for a few nights so we could rest. Well, I rested a little, but mostly got ready for baby. Almost having her on Thursday kinda lit a fire under my butt. However, I feel SO much more ready now, than I did then. I actually cried when I called to tell hubs that I could be in actual labor on Thursday. After 8 hours in L&D and 3.5 litres of IV fluids, the contractions stopped and they sent me home. Which I was actually quite happy about, since I didn't want her to come that way, OR when I was sick, you know?

BUT, my theory has proved correct. I went into labor (water broke) with my son, and they didn't realize he was breech until I was 6cm dilated. So, I got to experience contractions. But, I never thought they were that bad, you know? I mean, they weren't wonderful, but not so bad. However, in retrospect, I've always wondered if that wasn't because he wasn't engaged in my pelvis at all, and there wasn't any of that pressure, you know? Well, I was right! LOL! Contractions are a whole other story when your baby is head down and RIGHT there. I mean, they still weren't unbearable, but definitely not as easy as last time. So, I guess I'm just reassured that I will DEFINITELY get an epidural if I go vbac! LOL!

I had pretty regular contractions from yesterday evening until this afternoon. I actually thought I might end up in L&D again! However, they eased up this afternoon. Which is actually a good thing, because since Boy has been at grandma and grandpa's for a few days, I really, really want a few days with him before we have to send him away again, you know?

Feeling a little depressed tonight. Boy is puking again. Joy. I have NO clue what is wrong. Hubs and I aren't feeling sick again, but we have absolutely no idea why he is sick again. If this is a second round, I honestly don't know what I'll do. I cannot go through that again. I can guarantee that I won't be pregnant at the end of it, if it happens again, you know? Also feeling like I'm going to be pregnant forever. I'm ready to not be pregnant, but not feeling ready to have a newborn... LOL! Is there any way to get a break between the two? ;o) I know, I know. I can't wait to meet this little girl, though. So, at least there is a light at the end of this tunnel. I really hope Boy adjusts well. He is so amazing.

Allright. Feeling mushy/depressed so I'm going to go shower and wash the vomit smell off me before I start to cry and get REALLY sappy.

Love you all.

~Nikky

Thursday, February 10, 2005

2005-02-10T18:00:00.000-08:00

Suffice it to say, I am SO tired of wearing/seeing vomit and diarrhea. Between the three of us, it's been a horrible 72 hours. Here's hoping the rest of my maternity leave goes a bit smoother.

~Nikky

Monday, February 7th, 2005--

2005-02-07T19:45:00.000-08:00

Well, day one of my maternity leave is drawing to a close. It was SO wonderful to wake up and not have to go anywhere or do anything, other than play with my boy. And, he must have sensed that mommy needed something a little extra today, because he slept in! Well, more so than usual, at least. It was VERY nice. I was in a better mood this morning than I have been in a LOOONG time! And, since hubs is doing a block training at work, he's working a "normal" shift this week, which means he was home by 3pm. Which I LOVE, because we hardly ever get evenings together! We got our Costco trip done today... which we desperately needed!

I found out on Sunday that my poor little guy has been running around in shoes that are a full size to small for him. I felt SOOO awful! Apparently, I'm not the first to do this, but I still just felt so badly for my little guy. So, we went out and got him two pair of shoes, a size larger than he measured, even! LOL! Just to be safe! Also got him a bunch of new clothes! He's rapidly growing out of his 2T's... I swear, I think I need to stop feeding him! LOL!

Other than that, not too much going on around here lately. Still have ALOT to do. Really need to get on the ball! I spent most of today just enjoying that I didn't have to be anywhere or do anything. I mean, I got the kitchen cleaned up and some laundry done... Even made hubs a late lunch when he got home! (How June Cleaver of me, huh? LOL!) But, other than that, not much that NEEDS to be done. Boy is going to grandma and grandpa's for the night this Saturday. So, I'm hoping to get some stuff done then. Hubs and I are also going to make that a date night, since we probably won't get another one for a LOOOOONNNNGGGG time! LOL! I mean, who is going to want BOTH of the kids? Do people EVER get out on their own when they have two? Are those days over until Girl is older? Hmmmm... I would guess so. I think I would feel guilty even ASKING one of the grandparents to take them both, you know? I mean, Boy is such an energy hound, and who knows what kind of baby Girl will be. I am definitely not looking forward to the sleepless nights again, though. I mean, Boy just started sleeping through on a semi-regular basis about 6 months ago. AGH. I told hubs, I'm going to be well-versed in sports again! LOL! Because when I'm up in the middle of the night with a screaming baby, I don't turn on lights, but I turn on the tv. And, rather than scan the channels for something to watch, I just watch ESPN news because it's always on! Hubs and I had some GREAT sports convos when Boy was a new baby! LOL!

Oh, I did take Boy to the pediatrician on Thursday. To confirm with the ped. that his not talking was still ok, and he was still developing, etc. The ped. told me pretty much the same thing that everyone else has. He's not showing any signs of autism, he's perfectly normal, his comprehension is great, and that's why we're not worried. Now, if things don't pick up when he hits two, we may want to intervene, but for now, he wasn't worried. I also mentioned the obsessive wood-chewing, sand-eating, etc. He wasn't TOO worried, but we did get some blood drawn to check his iron levels, etc. THAT was horrid. My mom had to hold him (hubs was at work) because they thought I wouldn't be able to get a good hold on him with my belly in the way. So, she held him, one of the lab techs held his arm, and the other lab tech drew the blood. I cried. Yep. Almost as bad as he did. It was just awful. However, it's done and we should know if there is anything off! I didn't hear anything today, so I'm going to call tomorrow to double check. So, I left there feeling better about everything.

OH! We ALMOST had quite the adventure today. I went out back to water the dogs, and closed the slider behind me, because I didn't want Boy out wandering the yard (since he DOES eat everything, and has already tasted dog poop once. ick.), and when I walked back to the door, he had LOCKED ME OUT. I kid you not. I don't think it was on purpose, but I was sitting there, trying to make him understand that he needed to flip the lock the other direction, while my mind was RACING. How on earth was I going to get back in??? Thankfully, it was less than a minute, and he flipped the lock back so I could open the door. Whew. Little stinker. LOL! It's funny NOW.

Night all!

~Nikky

Friday, February 4th, 2005

2005-02-04T20:50:00.000-08:00

Today was my last day of work until June 1st! Wahoo! Although, it was, of course, busy as hell. But, that's just because I put everything off until today! LOL! Leave it to me to procrastinate leaving! I was SO exhausted this afternoon, after busting my ass at work all day (which I am NOT used to! LOL!), that I could barely bring myself to THINK about going out! I had wanted to take little man to the park. That didn't happen. I desperately need to grocery shop. That didn't happen. The most I got accomplished was a very short-lived nap while Boy watched Zoboomafoo. Of course, the nap was interrupted every few minutes with a toy thrown at me, or a light smack to my face, followed by a delighted giggle when I would start out of my drowse. LOL! Little shit.. ;o) Now, to qualify, I don't sleep heavily when I have those crash and burn moments. Like he would let me, anyway. Just a few seconds of drowse, and I can be functional again. It's the pregnancy that brings it on. I've never been a napper before in my life.

Anyway, thrilled to death that work is out of the picture for a while. Of course, now I have to get my ass in gear and get ready for this baby! Three weeks left until my due date. Although, I am fully expecting to go overdue. Just because I want her to come early. If she is ANYTHING like I was (god help me), she'll do the exact opposite of what I want her to! I have to admit, I am still a bit weirded out by the thought of having a girl. For some reason, I have never had that longing for a mother-daughter relationship. Don't get me wrong, I have a WONDERFUL relationship with my mom. I am terribly grateful for it, too. So many great women that I know have had terrible experiences with their moms. Makes me value mine all the more. So, I don't know why I still feel indifferent about it. I know that will all change when I hold her. I really do. It just feels weird to know that I am going to be raising a girl. I mean, crap. I hope I don't completely fuck her up. It's so hard being a teenage girl in this society. With all the pressures on appearance, sex, etc. I am amazed I turned out halfway decent, sometimes. With my history? When I look back, I can clearly see hundreds of times that I could have very easily veered off on the wrong path. Why didn't I? I wish I could figure out what it was that kept me from heading in those wrong directions. Then, maybe, I'd feel a bit more confident about raising this daughter, you know? However, I have NO clue why I didn't have random sex at 12, like my friends were. Or get into drugs in high school, like my friends were. Especially, knowing that I have a very addictive personality, and all of the 'issues' are there. Sometimes, I'm amazed that I'm not in porn or something, based on my history, you know?

I found my adoption paperwork about a week ago. Well, I never had actually lost it, I just didn't know exactly where it was for a few years. LOL! It was SO odd reading through that as a mother. The last time I read all of that stuff was a good 5-6 years ago. VERY different reading all that after having a child. I was put up for adoption at 2 years, 8 months. My god. How on earth could someone do that? I cannot, for the entire life of me, imagine giving up my amazing, precious, incredible little boy. I know, I know. Entirely different situation. I KNOW this in my head. But, I can't get my heart around it. She had no support system, no husband. I can totally understand from a logic standpoint. And, from that same standpoint, I am totally grateful. But, OH MY GOD. It literally breaks my heart to think of sending Boy away. No matter HOW frustrating, tiring, obnoxious, or horrid he can be. (of course, he's a really good boy, but even on my worst, worst days, no way I can imagine.) So, needless to say, I've been spending some time trying to wrap myself around that last reading. Poor Hubs. We were cleaning up the nursery when I was reading it. I was walking around in tears. Not awful, sad tears. Just tears. I'm sure the pregnancy hormones aren't helping all of this at all.

Well, I think I'm going to head out now... I'll definitely try to keep this up as time passes. It's easier to post on this at work, but I will make an effort while I'm at home.

Thanks!

~Nikky

Monday, January 31, 2005

2005-01-31T13:46:00.000-08:00

One week left at work! 4 weeks left 'til baby!! :o)

It's official. I have become one of "those" pregnant women. You know the ones. The ones that bitch and moan and complain ALL the time about how miserable they are, and how tired they are, etc. I never, in a million years, thought I would become one of "those". Especially considering how much I LOVED being pregnant with Boy. I really did enjoy that pregnancy! This one wasn't so bad during the second tri-mester, but, boy oh boy, have the last few weeks been rough! So, I officially apologize to everyone for being a whiner. I will make an effort to pass the next four weeks with more grace and poise!

SO much to talk about today! We finished Girl's nursery! Well, it's SOOO close. There is one single piece of trim that needs to go up around the edge of the closet, but the room is so gorgeous! It was so fun to show it off at the baby shower!!!

My baby shower was SO nice! Boy even napped through an hour of it! Who'd have thunk it? He was a bit overwhelmed to wake up to a houseful of people and kids, though. Poor guy. And, no sooner did everyone leave, that we headed down the street to a neighbor's for her second birthday party! WHAT A DAY that was! Then, to my, ah-hem, joy, Saturday night, my throat started hurting. Yes. You guessed it. Head cold. UGH! I am just praying that Boy doesn't catch it. Last thing we need at our house is a sick mommy AND a sick baby!

So anyway, we have a buttload of baby girl clothes now! However, most of them are 0-3 month! Which is really nice! Except that Boy was so large at birth (10lbs, 8oz) that he was only in 0-3 for 3.5 weeks! She has WAY too much stuff for 3.5 weeks. So, I'm thinking that I won't de-tag about half of it, so that depending on her birth size, we can either exchange for larger sizes, or wash it when we get home, you know? I think that is the smartest thing I can come up with at this point. Not to mention the two big boxes of hand-me-down girl clothes I got recently! (BIG thanks to Megan and Casey!)

Let's see... apology, nursery, shower, head cold.. I think that sums it up!

Oh, and I am SOOO thrilled about work being over in a week! Can't wait! Hoping to get a bit more energy when I'm not dragging myself to downtown every day.

Well, that's it for now! Hasta!

~nikky

Monday, January 24, 2005--

2005-01-24T15:34:00.000-08:00

Well, the countdown is on!! Two weeks left until I go out on maternity leave! It is getting so hard to drag my pregnant ass out of bed and to work every morning. I am quickly running out of clothing that fits, and I hate wearing the same thing 3 or more times in a row! LOL! And, if I could, I would wear my overalls every day! They are the frumpiest things, but I swear, SO comfy! I can still tie my shoes (barely) but it's NOT comfortable, and I've taken to wearing my slippers out here and there! LOL! Oh, the joys!

Boy has discovered leaping. What do you mean? you ask? Well. He will stand on the edge of the sofa, or the edge of the slide on his play structure (that we moved indoors for winter), and he will JUMP off. Seriously. Lands on his feet sometimes too! The kid gets AIR. Sigh. I can just foresee myself being on a first name basis with the emergency room staff as this kid gets older! :o)

We are SOOOO close to being done with the nursery! I have been busting my ass, painting after Boy has gone to bed almost every night for the last three weeks. We sent him to grandma and grandpa's for the day on Sunday, so we could really work. Got SO much done. All we have left is touch up paint and caulking the door frame! It looks SOOO amazing! I will be sure to post pics when it's done!

I hate the last week of the month. We have no money! LOL! As state workers, we get paid in the beginning of each month. And, that's it! So, we're down to about 7 bucks in the checking account. Enough for milk and bread, but that's it! I suppose we shall survive, huh? ;o)

My baby shower is this weekend! Even though I kinda got roped into it, I'm still looking forward to it!

That's it for now... WAKE UP! :o)

~Nikky

Thursday, January 20, 2005-

2005-01-20T11:58:00.000-08:00

My work threw me a surprise baby shower today! I couldn't believe it! I had NO clue and I was so touched... I've only been in this office for a little over a year now. It's an interesting group... Lots of geologists and scientists, so some are a little gruffer than others. But, I've really enjoyed working here so far, and today was just SO nice! They gave me a $75 gift card to Babies R Us! :o) That will come in SO handy!

After today, I have 2 weeks and one day left at work! My last day will be February 4th. I am so looking forward to it! Although, I have a buttload of clean up to do around my desk. Don't want to leave a mess! LOL! It's going to be a busy few weeks... I am definitely excited about three weeks home with little man before this baby comes, though! I hope she doesn't decide to come late. I am going to try for a vbac, but I am going to schedule a c-section on March 2nd. Since Boy was 10lbs, 8oz, I don't want to go too far overdue!

That kid is wearing me out, though! He is a runner. Yes, that means when we go to the park, he takes off. While that wouldn't be quite as big of a deal when I'm not hugely pg, it is now! LOL! My poor girlfriends have to run after my kid for me! Thank goodness they are there though... More parks need fenced toddler areas!!

I've been having contractions on and off since last night. They're not bad, but ick! ALMOST makes me want to rethink the vbac! LOL!

I've decided my blog is boring... I hope no one falls asleep while reading! I'll try to think up things to spice it up. Of course, my life is pretty boring these days too... Toddler, baby, toddler, baby, toddler, baby... that's about it. Maybe I should cut and paste one of our tmi threads? That sure would liven things up...

~Nikky

Tuesday, January 18, 2005

2005-01-18T11:02:00.000-08:00

I had a bit of a breakdown this weekend. Saturday to be precise. I was SO amazingly tired, that I totally lost it. I knew Boy was tired, so I thought perhaps he'd lay down with me and nap?? (Um, yeah, right! LOL!) So I laid down on the bed, and he came up and down a few times. After about the second thing being thrown at my face, I lost it. Sobbed and sobbed. Poor guy didn't know what to do! LOL! He would lean over and hug me, and then try to get me to read him a book. He did that a few times, before I finally pulled myself together. Poor kid. So, then I called my mom. Thank heavens she was there to listen! Told her I didn't think I could go on for another 6 weeks.... Then she made me promise to go to bed early that night, and that she would come over the next morning to run errands with me. Love my mommy.... :o)

Boy has officially started to get his second year molars! UGH! Yesterday was AWFUL. He was such a p.i.t.a. all day! Hubs said that he's doing a little better this morning, but we'll see what the afternoon brings. He's also not been napping all that well lately! :o( Which definitely does NOT help.

He is such a crack up these days, though! He'll start spinning around in circles and then get dizzy and fall all over the place. He jumps like a little frog across the room. He still climbs everything he possibly can, but the kid is so damn coordinated he never seems to fall or get hurt! Thank goodness! LOL! I do keep an eye on him, of course, and even though he wants desperately to scale the back of our recliner, the sheer descent freaks ME out, so he hasn't gotten to enjoy THAT particular achievment. Yet. LOL!

As for me, I am physically exhausted, and tired of hurting. People have started telling me that I've dropped. I notice that I am definitely lower, but can't decide if I'm just lower than I was with Boy, or if I'm lower than I was a few weeks ago.... I'm going to check out my last belly pic to compare one of these days... I hope I don't go overdue with this one. With Boy being a 10 and a half pounder, I don't think I'd like to go too far past due! LOL!

Thanks for listening, if I didn't bore you to sleep already! LOL!

~Nikky

Tuesday, January 11th, 2005

2005-01-11T13:16:00.000-08:00

After alot of peer pressure, I have decided to post again! LOL! I just find that I end up posting double. I always want to post what I've put here on the 'board', and vice versa. So I end up typing twice. Oh well... I suppose that's what cut and paste is for, right?

I'm doing ok. Today is a bad pregnancy day... ;o) I am MISERABLE. However, I only have 6.5 weeks left. So, materially (meaning all that we have to do and get) it doesn't sound like very much time at all, however, physically, it sounds like FOREVER. I was nowhere near this miserable at this point with Boy. Oh well... I did get myself into this. ;o) Hubs won't cop to it anymore, though. He says I forced him. Um, yeah. Sure.

Boy is doing great. I swear, that kid is the more gorgeous thing on the planet!! (I know I'm a bit biased...) He is ALL boy, too! It's so funny to think that alot of their 'boyness' or 'girlness' can actually be genetic! He is all about trains lately. LOVES them! We got a wooden one, a little people one, and a peek a block one for Christmas! (Um, yes, he got WAY too much stuff!! LOL! But, with four set of grandparents, what did you expect?) He adores all of them! He is jumping now. In place. He'll squat down and jump. He gets pretty darn good air, too!!! Sometimes I'm amazed at how high he can jump! He's climbing everything, still. Figured out how to climb INTO his crib yesterday. Sigh... I'm hoping he holds off on the climbing OUT for a while. He is SO not ready for a toddler bed! We'll have to tent him, if that happens anytime soon.

We are about halfway done with the nursery! It's going to be so gorgeous! All we have to do is put up the wainscotting and the chair rail! The crib is in, but we still have to go pick it up. It's been horribly rainy here, so we haven't been able to go get it. (We have to use the pickup...)

Alot of nerves about the new baby. Figuring out how to handle the first meeting between the kids. Should I even have him come to the hospital until I'm ready to check out? How would he handle seeing me, and then having to leave again, without me? I want to talk to hubs about it, but he just doesn't seem to care that much. I suppose I should give him the benefit of the doubt, though.

Hubs. As much as that man can drive me up a wall sometimes, I am so grateful to have him. I always feel so lucky to have found such a terrific guy. I know I have issues/tendencies towards picking the wrong guy, but, boy oh boy, did I luck out with this one. He is really a great husband and a terrific father. I'm amazed at how well we get along. I can't imagine having to do this by myself. Even the thought is terrifying. This past December, we've been together for TEN years. Wow. A third of my life. A third of his life. Seems like forever! I was looking at one of his cousins over Christmas. I met her when she was 1!! She's 11 now... and almost as tall as me! (I'm 5', 11"... think about THAT! At 11!!!)

Ok... I'll try to post more often here! Promise!

~Nikky

By the way!

2004-10-18T14:50:00.000-07:00

I can't believe I didn't post this already!! IT'S A GIRL!!!!!

She was VERY cooperative at the ultrasound. At least for the gender determination! Not so much with the other stuff, but hey, she looked healthy and was wiggling around! I just love ultrasounds!

I am having some difficulty assimilating the fact that it's a girl, though. Don't get me wrong! I'm thrilled it's a girl and thrilled that she's healthy. However, it just feels a little weird. I guess I'm just so used to mommying a boy, it's just going to feel different. However, I AM looking forward to the frills and lace and ribbons!! LOL!

We are already planning her room! It's going to be SOO cute! We're going to do white wainscotting about halfway up the wall, and we're going to paint the top half lavender, to match her bedding. It will be SO gorgeous!

I'm also going through all of Boy's old baby clothes to determine what can possibly be worn by a girl! It's pretty sad, though. It's hard to believe he was ever that little. And, of course, all that money spent on outfits he only wore a few times. I hope I can find some to give them to or something!

Sigh..

2004-10-18T14:47:00.000-07:00

So, Boy comes tearing around the corner of the dining room the other day. He has a HUGE smile on his face, and is giggling quite a bit. I see he has something in his hands... So, I say, "What do you have, sweetie? Can I see?" He proceeds to hand me the OUTLET PROTECTORS!!!!!! What do I do now?? We're going to have to find something a little bit more, ah-hem, complicated, I guess... LOL!

Better...

2004-10-04T14:32:00.000-07:00

So, a little bit of caffeine, a little bit of sugar, some food and some walking around have helped me to feel MUCH better today.

I have my big ultrasound Friday!! I am SOOOO excited!! I sure hope that the beanie cooperates, so that we can find out what it is... (I keep telling it NOT to take after Carrie's baby! LOL!) I really am just SO darn excited. Not looking forward to the drinking gallons of water and not peeing for hours thing, but it's worth it!! :o)

Oh, and I've decided that Boy spends WAY too much time around the dogs! LOL! So, besides drinking out of the dog bowl, eating dog poop, and chewing on the dog toys (which has been going on for quite a while), he started licking the carpet this weekend. Came up with a mouthfull of hair, picked it out, and proceeded to do it again! Silly boy. Maybe I should keep the dogs out back for a while? LOL!

We did 'purity tests' on 'the board' today... It was nice to know that others are less pure than I! LMBO! I have generally been the, ah-hem, most experienced of my friends, so it's SOO nice to be LESS experienced than some of these gals!!!!!! hee-hee! Of course, the bulk of those happenings were LONG before Hubs, but still. LOL!

I would also just like to say how much I love my 'board'!!! It is SO amazing to find such a terrific group of women who are so supportive, so fun and so a part of what I am going through with a my little guy! All of us have babies born in June 2003, and it's such a wonderful feeling to get so many "I've been there's", when you really need to hear it!

I'm thinking about leaving a little early today too... Boy has been VERY cranky for the last 5 days, and we don't know why. He's napping really poorly (however, sleeping great at night), and is almost acting like he did when his molars came through! I don't feel any coming in right now, though, so I don't know if he's coming down with something, actually working on the second year molars, or just being weird! Sigh.. Hopefully, we'll figure it out soon!

I hate Mondays.

2004-10-04T10:30:00.000-07:00

And, that's not an exaggeration. Mondays are the worst days of the week. I suppose it's mainly because I work a full day on Mondays, rather than my usualy 5 hour day. Which, of course, means that I don't get to see Boy but for an hour or two before he goes to bed.

He fell apart when I left this morning too. That definitely does NOT help. I hate hearing his cries through the front door while I walk away to go to a place where, while it's not horrible, is no where NEAR as wonderful as him.

On top of everything, I have been really moody for the last 4 or 5 days. Hubs knows it. And, I think Boy does too, honestly. My patience is a bit shorter than it usually is, which I hate. I hate feeling like I'm going to lose my temper with him. Usually, I am so laid back and tolerant, and lately I just want to curl up in bed and cry. I know it's hormones. I can tell myself that until I am blue in the face, but for some reason it doesn't seem to help.

I hurt. I have been crampy on and off for a week or two now. I worry sometimes about early labor, but I think I just need to drink more water.

I feel so blah right now. Maybe I need some caffeine? I know, I know... but I never drink any caffeine, and one soda will not hurt anything. I think I am going to go downstairs right now and see if a Pepsi will help.

I'll let you know-- (as I'm sure you are all waiting with bated breath! LOL!)

Ugh.

2004-09-30T08:55:00.001-07:00

Well. He ate dog poop. Yes. You heard me. Dog poop. I sincerely thought we might make it through his childhood without this happening. Apparently not. He only got a little, but it's enough to gross even the strongest of us out. Sigh... He's also learned to drink from the dog's water bowl. No hands. Yeah. That means face in the bowl. LOL! The joys of toddlerhood! I know that Hubs is never going to let him forget it! I know I will never forget it...

Isn't this supposed to get easier?

2004-09-29T09:26:00.000-07:00

Everyone said it would...

I went back to work in December 2003. Boy was just over 6 months old. I was so grateful to be able to take that long off with him, and even more grateful that my boss was able to arrange for a part-time schedule for me, so that I wouldn't have to put him in daycare. (Dad watches him while I work, and vice versa)

However, it seems like it is getting harder and harder to leave him every day. Everyone said that it gets easier with time. Not here! I have been late for work every day for the last month, because I can hardly tear myself away from his beautiful face and sweet smell. It breaks my heart every day.

I guess I just thought it was going to get easier, not harder...

I'm still here!

2004-09-28T10:46:00.000-07:00

Sorry I haven't been around to post in a while. Busy and busy, I guess! :o) Also, trying to figure out how much to share, I think. Allie's death brought up a number of memories of my close friend's little girl's death, and I just couldn't decide whether or not to share, so I guess I just opted to stay away.

Boy didn't sleep well last night! UGH! Although, he has been sleeping SO much better recently. He's been sleeping through the night almost every night for over a week now! But, he woke up twice last night. Don't know why. G-ma and G-pa messed up his nap schedule over the weekend, so he may just be overtired, and I know we're playing catch up. However, he had a good time while over there, so I suppose it's not too awful!

Yesterday was my long day at work. I hate Mondays! I miss him SO much! He was SUCH a cuddle-bug yesterday when I got home, though. Which I always enjoy, because this child is not a cuddler! He is ALWAYS on the go! He is so amazing, though.

I heard a quote recently that I loved. "There is one pretty baby in this world, and every mother has it." Ain't that the truth?? Before Boy came, I always thought that I could be objective about whether or not my child was cute. I mean, all babies are cute, but some are definitely cuter than others... Right? Well, I have absolutely NO capability of objectivity when it comes to this child! LOL! He truly is the most gorgeous creature on the entire planet!!! I can just sit and stare at his amazing little face for hours! Hee-hee! Well, that is, if he'd sit still long enough...

The pregnancy is going well. I'm 18 weeks, 4 days today. And, I hurt. I hurt bad. Sigh... I know it comes with the territory, but yowza! This pregnancy seems so much harder than the last one! I know it's just because last time I wasn't chasing around a very active 15 month old, but still! But, I'm starting to feel the baby move a little, which is always amazing. I can't wait until it's more regular!

Well, I could continue to vomit information onto this screen, but I suppose I'll take a break and actually try to get some work done! :o) Have a great day!

~Nikky

Allie-

2004-09-14T09:55:00.000-07:00

Little Allie Scott passed away last night. For some reason, I didn't think I would be this upset. And, no one at works knows her, so it's hard to explain why I'm crying. I could try to explain it, but they would probably think "she doesn't even know her!". I may not have been in the hospital with her, but I did know her. And, I knew her parents. And, I can only imagine the heartbreak.

It's just so sad. I'm glad that she's not in pain any longer, and that she will be watching over her family forever, but I'm sure she has left an enormous void in that hospital, in her home, in her families hearts.

Sigh. I just can't imagine.

Baby Allie...

2004-09-13T16:01:00.000-07:00

Thinking alot about Allie Scott today. She's a little girl from the BabyCenter December 2003 board, who was diagnosed with leukemia at 4 months old. They've taken her off all medications and are focusing on pain management at this point. They don't think she has much longer.

The loss of a child has to be the most heart-wrenching, heart-breaking, earth-shattering event for any parent.

My deepest sympathies and sincerest prayers go out to Allie and her family tonight. To Allie for a smooth, painless passing, and to her family for the strength and faith to make it through the remaining tough times.

Where to begin?

2004-09-13T11:41:00.000-07:00

I am not quite sure where to start! LOL! I guess I'll start with today...

Boy is 15 months old today! I cannot BELIEVE how quickly time has passed! I look at him lately, and I cannot believe that this big boy is my little baby. I am just in awe of how gorgeous he is, and how grown-up he is starting to look! Seemed like it was a matter of days where he went from looking like a baby, to looking like a boy. Sigh... This time last year, he was three months old, and we were getting his first professional pictures done, because he was getting close to cutting his first tooth, and I wanted a memory of that gummy smile! Sigh... Although, I do miss that age, we are having so much fun right now! He is everywhere and into everything! (Which isn't all THAT much fun, sometimes!)

I work part-time, Hubs and I trade off watching him while the other works. It works out really well for us! Everyone asks, "well, when do you see EACH OTHER?". I tell them, we had this schedule BEFORE the baby was born, so it's not like it's any different than it has been for years! You get used to it, I guess. Yeah, of course, I would like to see him more, but again, this is the way it is.

ANYHOW, today is my long day at work. I usually get off at 1pm, but today I work through until 5pm... UGH! I hate Mondays, simply for this fact! I miss Boy SO badly! Hubs just called to tell me that he got alot done in our bedroom this morning. (We're painting, re-baseboarding, etc. in there.) I could hear Boy 'talking', well, what passes for talking for him, in the background, and it's enough to make you cry. Sigh... Oh well, on the upside, I only have ONE long day a week, so I guess I can make it through!

Needless to say, Mondays will probably be BIG posting days for me! :o)

Gotta run, have lunch plans!

Well, Here I am-

2004-09-13T11:33:00.000-07:00

Seems like this has become the thing to do these days... So, I thought I would give it a shot.

A little background, you ask? Well, don't mind if I do!

My name is Nikky, I am 29, married to Hubs, 30, for a little over 5 years, and adoring Mommy to Boy, born June 13, 2003, and pregnant with #2, due February 25, 2005.

Wow. One sentence to sum up my entire world. Odd to look at it that way. However, I have never been happier in my entire life. Who knew that motherhood was going to complete my heart and soul the way it has? I never would have guessed in a million years...

Well, now that we have established who and what I am, I suppose we can get on with the business at hand! :o)